Pilot Episode 5: Worth a Deux

The moonbase security services were less than pilot cover imageeffusive that we had done their job for them. They were asking a lot of questions about the licensing of Moonbug, she’s no-body’s fool. I, on the other hand am everybody’s fool, and it was becoming pretty clear that “I won her in a poker game” was not going to cut it when it came to the licensing of my fairy.
“Come on, Son. Either you’ve got the right papers or she’ll have to be put down. Simple at that I’m afraid.”
“You can’t do that…” I began. Blagging it had always been one of my skills, but on this occasion I was, admittedly, struggling.
“Don’t say another word.” A smart woman in a pant suit strode into the room. “You’ve been talking to my client without representation? Totally unacceptable. Come on,” she turned to me. “We’re leaving.” I did not need to be told twice. I moved like a rocket to the door.
“Wait, there’s still the matter of the unlicensed fairy.”
“He doesn’t need a license, he’s in a protected profession. He’s a bounty hunter, on my team.” The woman placed a business chip on the desk and raised her eyebrows daring the men to defy her. They did not.
“Alright, you’re free to go.”
“Not without my fairy.”
“She’ll be released to you at checkout.”
“Wow, thanks,” I said to the woman as we rounded the corridor heading for checkout. “I did not know that a bounty hunter was a protected profession.”
“There’s lots you don’t know, but you’re going to have to learn fast.”
When we arrived at checkout the fairy was chained to the wall by her neck, much the way they chained bears on old Earth, when they would beat them and make them do tricks.
The woman who was with me still was visibly distressed and started pulling at her clothes as if they were the reason this had happened. I was angry.
“Unchain her at once!” I screamed at the man behind the desk.
“She ain’t getting unchained in here,” he said flatly. “I’ll give you the keys you can unchain her when you get outside. You just gotta unhook it from there.” He indicated that the end of the chain was hanging from a hook, just too high to reach.
The woman leapt in the air and unhooked the chain in one move. The fairy could not look at her from what appeared to me to be terror.
“Come on, let’s go.” She said, holding the very end of the chain, like if she got any closer she would catch something. Maybe she was a recovering dust addict.
“Keys?” I demanded of the guard, who handed them over.
“I’m here,” the woman said indicating a huge hover craft which obviously doubled as her office. She opened the door. “Get those chains off her.” As she stepped inside she started to cry. Clearly the strain of holding it together had been too much for her.
Quickly I unchained the fairy and as I turned to ask how she was she ran past me and into the van.
“June, are you OK? That was so brave, you shouldn’t have done it!” She threw her arms around the woman. Clearly I’d missed some sort of woman bond thing. Not having my own gender did make me a bit clueless.
“I’m sorry it took me so long.” The woman, June, cupped the fairy’s face in her hands. “I was tracking the rhinos, how’d you end up with this guy?”
“He won me in a poker game.” The fairy looked across at me and smiled.
“I bet he did. Jackpot. What’s he done with you since?”
I could sense the woman was becoming angry, imagining I had created some sort of sex slave.
“Mostly we played chess,” I said. “So, um, if you’re happy here I will leave you to it and get back to my ship.”
“You can’t go. I said you work for me. You have to at least keep up appearances until the security forces have gone.”
“So, what? You want me to be a bounty hunter?” I said mockingly.
“Yes, we split the take 60/40. 60 comes to me because I have the outlay.” She handed me a deux. “This is your take from those dust dealers.
“Nice…” I eyed the coin incredulously. I’d never scored this well, even in the high stakes poker.
“I will give you a ship and your mission. All quarries are returned to me – I’ll do the paperwork and collect the take. Then you get paid.”
“Do I work with my partner?” I looked at the fairy, who smiled at me. “You know, for appearances.”
“I’ll make sure your ship comes with a chess set.” The woman said dryly.

So, that’s it. That’s how I became a bounty hunter, partnered with a fairy. And these, I guess, are our stories.

So, that’s the final part of Pilot, so let us know what you think, and watch this space for more of Badger’s writings. Visit the Badger’s Books page for more information on already published stuff, and follow us on Facebook and Twitter for the latest updates.

Pilot is the latest story by the badger known as C H Clepitt, and is copyright, obv.

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Nibblets

Well it’s been a while, so we thought we should hit you up with some more Nibblets.  Badger has stopped eating crisps and watching Youtube videos long enough to throw this together for you.

What the Spok?!

After the death of actor Leonard Nimoy, most famous for his portrayal of Spok in the SciFi series Star Trek, Canadian fans have been “Spokking” (Spelling made up based on what we learned in nursery so please feel free to correct) their five dollar bills.  According to dangerousminds.net ”the five dollar bill {…} features a portrait of Canada’s seventh prime minister Sir Wilfrid Laurier”, who, it has to be said does bear a certain resemblance to the recently deceased actor, more so now that he sports a Sharpie Vulcan wig and pointy ears.  According to the site the practice of “Spokking” ones money is not illegal but could cause problems in the future, rather like binge drinking.  The simple solution here we would like to suggest is that Canada gives Spok his own bank note.  Do they have a $2 bill yet?

More Spokky articles on Newsnibbles.

Do NOT Rile a Badger

As if you didn’t already know that.  However your experience with Badger on Twitter may have lead you to the mistaken belief that all badgers are able to use their words to sarcastically express frustration over things like being culled, the amount of news coverage the bloody BBC gives to UKIP and hardly any to the Greens and general small mindedness (for the love of Pete someone give her a biscuit).  However, this is not the case for all in the Meles Meles family.  Much like people some badgers express their frustrations through holding visitors to a Stockholm hotel hostage for approximately 40 minutes.  According to Jezebel  the badger prevented guests from entering or leaving the building until wildlife services came to remove it.  If that badger would like to talk to us here at Newsnibbles and give its side, we would listen.  It is unclear as to whether the guests or staff of said Stockholm hotel left feeling an affinity/wanting to marry the badger, but if they did someone should come up with a name for that… Maybe Badger Syndrome?

Princess Rap Battles!!

Well, Badger spending far too much time on YouTube actually paid off this week when she discovered Princess Rap Battles!! Possibly the best thing ever, famous princesses from films including Lord of the Rings, Star Wars and Disney films rap off against each other to discover who’s the ultimate Rap champion.  There are not enough for an album yet, but when there are, release it, with a related DVD, PLEASE, they are totes amaze (we are hip and down with the kids).  The most recent addition features actress Sarah Michelle Gellar as Cinderella rapping off against Belle, played by Whitney Avalon, who appears to be the genius behind this awesome piece of parody.  We have embedded it for you below, but be warned, they are highly addictive and you can’t watch just one, so be prepared to get nothing done.

 

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7 Questions

7 Questions is a new addition to Newsnibbles, where we ask one of our Twitter followers 7 questions (thus the name…) This week we as @Amadeusivan

1. What is Ammy’s

eigenaars

Delight, and where did the idea come from for it?

Ammy’s Delight is a small business which makes home made dog biscuits. All biscuits are made using the best ingredients we can get. That means free range eggs from our own chicken, free range chicken breast and no added  artificial ingredients, sugar or salt. We use only 100% natural ingredients.

 - How did it start?

 It started about 1 1/2 year ago as I decided that the biscuits for the boys were full of artificial ingredients and I didn’t like the idea I  was giving it to them. So I started to bake my own biscuits. They loved them from the start and after a while I sent them to my friends on their Birthday and  Christmas.

After a while an American friend asked me the name of the bakery where I bought those beautiful biscuits. After I explained I made them myself , she  said I should start my own bakery and sell them online. That was the beginning of Ammy’s Delight.

 

2. If you could invite 3 people/animals from history round for some kibble, who would you choose and why?

 Well let me think the first one which comes up my mind (this is Amadeus talking) is SUNNY the dog of president Obama. Why, you wonder?  Well I would like to woof with him what it like to be a presidential dog, how is life at the White House, does he have his own sofa and bodyguard, I would have so many questions for him.

The second one would be (this is Marjo talking) Ghandi as I admire him as a person who brought peace to the World not by fighting but with talking.

The third one would be (here is Amadeus talking) my sweet luf Jezebel from Canada. I would love to meet with her and do some serious snowsnout playing.

 

3. Who do you admire and why?

I admire my mummy Marjo. First of all because she took me in her home to live with her despite the fact that my backlegs aren’t too well. Second because she is doing a pawsome job with Ammy’s Delight.

 

4. What five words would describe you best?

 Well to describe myself is very easy
  1. HUGE. I am a Leonberger and that breed belongs to the huge breeds like the St. Berhnard dog.
  2. SWEET I love to cuddle and give kisses
  3. CLUMSY I throw everything from tables with my huge tail so people must be very carefully placing something hot like a cup af coffee on a table
  4. LAZY  despite we are a large breed we don’t like to walk a lot. We like to snooze a lot.
  5. TEDDYBEAR I look and act like a teddybear

5. Who is your most famous customer? What did they buy?

My famous customer well I am sorry but I made a promise not to tell anybody who they are and what they’re buying from me. They like to have their privacy and I respect that. The only thing I can tell is that its an American actor family.

 6. Where do you stand on the topic of pet couture? (outfits)

Well outfits, I have 1 beautiful coat which Sammy has bought for me and that fits me perfectly. Otherwise all the outfits which are sold in petshops are too little for me.
So I think I stand at the bottom of topic of pet couture.

 7. Anything you would like to add?

Well the last thing I would love to say is that Ammy’s Delight is now looking for distributors in the United States and the UK. This should be dog related business like groomers or little petshops who would like to sell our biscuits directly. There would be no investent required and if they like the idea they can contact us through email ammysdelight@gmail.com.

Further I would like to say that everybody should look at our website: www.ammysdelight.com for the delicious biscuits and the super options we have for Easter.
If they visit the website and want to order some biscuits or Easter options please make a note at the orderpage that you have found us through this interview and they get a 10% discount of the total amount.
Also I would like to say that shipment to the States or Canada is not a problem.

 

Fancy answering 7 questions? Tweet us @BadgersTweetToo

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Pilot: Episode Four

Episode Four: Kids These Days

When I returned to my quarters the door had been ripped off and there were signs of a struggle inside.  Now, let me be clear, my door (like all the pilot cover imagedoors) is six inches thick and airlock.  All the quarters on the Moonbug are designed to be self sustaining life pods.  My mother was a marine, and much like the boy scouts, they are always prepared.  And this shit had not been blown off the hinges, we would have heard it.  This had been physically ripped off the wall by someone who was on something to make them very strong.  Without thinking I leapt through the hatch  and started flinging things aside looking for the fairy.  I’m not sure why I thought she’d be hiding under a chair or something, but I was in a kind of blind panic.  Maybe the dust did affect me, but in a different way.  Who knows.

 

When it became clear to me that she was not hiding under the bed I leapt back out of my quarters and tore down the corridor to find my mother.

 

“She’s gone! Someone’s taken her!” I exclaimed breathlessly as I flew in.

“I know.”  My mother was frowning and looking at the monitor above her head.  On board security cameras cover any public area of the ship and the three “students” were waiting by the disembarking hatch, pacing, waiting to get off.  One of them had MY fairy in an armlock, and she did not look at all comfortable.

“What are we waiting for?” I demanded drawing my staff.  “Let’s kick their arses already!”

“It’s not that easy.”  My mother spoke tensely.  She was never one to shy away from a fight and I could tell that she was riled to be watching and not acting.  “This feed is streaming direct to Gallery security personnel,” she continued.  “These three are wanted across the galaxy.  They are dealers, not just dust.  And they’re on something much worse.  They’re too strong for us.”

“Yeah… but they aren’t quick.”  I was studying them intensely on the monitor, searching for weaknesses.  “And whatever they’ve taken, they’ve take too much, they’re twitchy.   Look at their eyes.  We can take ‘em.”

“You’re right,” she said, taking her stun stick from under the desk.  “Let’s do it.”

As we crouched on the low balcony peering through the tiny gap at the criminals a voice in my ear made me cry out and almost blow our cover.

“What we looking at?” Kia whispered.

“Shh!” I hissed irritably. “We are watching some fugitives, waiting for the right time to apprehend them!”

“Gotcha,” she said.  Clearly she was still under the influence of the dust. “What you need is a distraction!”  With that she leapt over the balcony and landed on her feet (of course) right in the middle of them.

“Hi fellas, what’s going on? You know, that looks a lot like my friend’s fairy you’re holding…”

“What they hell is this?” One of them looked menacingly at her.

“It’s a distraction.” She shrugged, and with that her claws were out and she was ready to pounce. We took the queue and leapt over the balcony.  I used my staff like a pole vault, swung my legs 360*  around and knocked one to the floor, out cold. As I looked across another was lying on the floor twitching, a result of my mother’s weapon.  This just left us the one with my fairy in a vice grip.  She was clearly of great value to him to him as he had not released her to attempt to help his colleagues or escape.

“Let her go.” I said firmly.

“She’s wild, I’m within my rights to claim her, back off or I’ll kill her.”

“She’s already claimed, and you have no rights on my ship.”  I could sense my mother was quite ready to kill this jackass if she had to.  “Let her go and you might still have children one day.”

Suddenly the fairy brought her elbow back really hard into his groin.  He collapsed on the floor, tears in his eyes.  Mother shot a bolt of electricity into him, just to be sure.

“That was good!” I smiled at the fairy.  “You can join the crew!”

“I didn’t like the idea of him having children, seemed unfair to the universe,” she told me.  Then, with a serious look in her eyes, “can I?”

“Can you what?”

“Join the crew?”

“Sure, I guess.” I looked at my mother.

“She’s your fairy,” she said as she and Kia tied the three unconscious fugitives together.

“Am I?” The fairy asked, looking at me.

“Are you what?”  I felt like she thought we had some sort of psychic bond, and I wasn’t quite there yet.

“Yours.”

“Well, only if the law asks,” I said awkwardly. “Otherwise you’re yours.”

“I’m glad,” she said slipping her hand into mine and looking into my eyes.  “I don’t think I’d want to be anyone else’s, you understand.”

I felt the strangest feeling, like the rush of adrenaline you get when you’re about to have a fight, only warmer and kinder.  It was almost like a bubble, a hug in my brain.  I’ve never felt it before.  I didn’t know what to do or say, so I said:

“Well thanks I guess.  Fancy a game of chess?  Best of seven…”

Read more by this author, Search C H Clepitt on Amazon or visit chclpitt.com

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/crew Chronicles: Pilot

Her is the third instalment of the new SciFi mini series by C H Clepitt.

Episode 3: The Queen’s Gambit

 

“This way,” I said as I led the fairy down the corridor to my quarters.pilot cover image

“What are you going to do with me?” She seemed terrified.

“Nothing,” I said flatly.  “Next Stop is Gallery 3M, so you can get off there or ride with us until something more interesting takes your fancy.  I’ll have to keep you with me until the dust wears off though, can’t have everyone falling all over themselves to get to you, we might crash or something.”

“You aren’t.”

“Aren’t what?”

“Falling over yourself to get to me.”

“Well, I’m special.”

She looked at me with a curious expression before saying “Yes, you are.”

I could feel my cheeks go red and space bugs started to dance in my stomach.

“Well Jeeze, I’m not slow or anything…”

My embarrassment was interrupted by Hank crashing down the corridor looking incredibly dishevelled.  His shirt was untucked, his hair a mess and he was only wearing one boot.

“Hey Bro,” he grinned.  “Kia is in a good mood today…”

Hank and Kia had an on again off again relationship for months and it’s my guess that thanks to the dust it had been on again today.

“Aw, Hank…”  I was kinda disappointed by his lack of self control, although he would be the first to point out that I have no idea what it’s like.

“Who’s this?” Hank was past me and all over the fairy.  Clearly he’d got himself a whiff of dust.  I jumped in-between them.

“This is my pal, Faye.  She’s staying with me.”

“I want her.”  Suddenly the look in Hank’s eye was aggressive and frightening.  I had never seen him like that before, but is was the desperate sort of look addicts have when they need a fix and will do anything for it.

“Well you can’t have her.” I said firmly, keeping my position squarely between him and the fairy.

“Get out of my way little brother.”  He shoved me, hard.

“It’s OK,” the fairy looked at me very sadly as I moved to keep her behind me.  “It happens a lot.  I’m used to it.”

For some reason this made me incredibly angry.  Why should she have to get used to it just because people lack self control?

“Well it’s not happening on my watch!” I said decidedly.  “Hank, this is for your own good!”  And with that I whipped out my extendable staff and knocked him out cold.  “He’ll thank me in the morning,” I sured the fairy as I bound him to the railing with his belt.

“Crew?” – everyone calls me Crew.  “Crew.” Kia’s hand was on my shoulder.  “I need you.”

“Oh, no…” I removed her hand awkwardly.  “You definitely don’t need me, you need a cold shower.”

“Come take it with me.” She started unbuttoning my shirt.

“Kia! No!” Suddenly I was catching a dead weight as the fairy knocked her out with the butt of Hank’s gun.

“You hit her!”  I was stunned.

“You hit him.”  She sounded confused.

“I suppose I did.” The logic was unmistakable. “Grab any loose weapons,”  I said as I slung her over my shoulder.  I’ll lock her in her quarters, then I’ll show you where mine are.  Once this dust has worn off you can have your own.  How long does it usually take?”

“I have never been locked in a jar with it before,” the fairy admitted.  “Usually I shrink and shed somewhere open then return to normal size.  Then it’s just a few hours that I have to avoid people.  In this case I don’t know.”

“Oh well,” I said as I slung Kia down on her bed.  “Can you play chess?”

 

***

 

“Damn, you’re good at this!” I said as she called check on me for the third time.

“I’m a strategist,” she smiled.

“Crew?” There was a banging on my hatch.

“Yes Mum?”

“Did you knock your brother out and tie him to the railing again?”

“I had to, he was under the influence!”

“Well come and help me move him to his quarters, someone might trip over him.”

“OK!”  I rolled my eyes and stood up.  “Stay here and don’t let anyone in,” I told the Fairy.  “I’ll be back soon.”

She nodded.

Hank works out a lot, and he is not light.  It took me and my mother a good half hour to shift him back to his quarters, which is why originally I opted for the railing.  When we eventually got him to his bed he was starting to come around.

“Hey buddy,” he said groggily. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to muscle in on your girl.

“Just stay here for a bit,” I told him reassuringly.  My mother raised her eyebrows at me.  I chose to ignore it.

 

“We’re nearly at the Third Moon,” Mother announced as we entered the cockpit.  She switched from auto pilot and sat down.  “Once we’ve offloaded the students we can sit down and decide what to do with your fairy.

“She’s not MY fairy!” I said slightly irritably.  “She can do what she wants.”

“SA law says that a fairy is either wild or under ownership.  if she’s in an inhabited area and no-one claims her she’ll be shot, you know that.  For once in your life you need to take some damn responsibility.  You won her, she’s yours.”

“But I told her she can do what she wants.”

“Well she must know the law too,” Mother began, before holding up her hand to silence me and radioing through to Gallery 3.

“Gallery 3, this is Moonbug HS requesting a docking permit.”

“What is your purpose Moonbug?” The crackly voice came through the radio.

“We have passengers looking to disembark, over?”

“Please hold your position whilst we verify your papers, over?”

“This always takes and age,” my mother was speaking to me again.  “Go talk to your fairy.”

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Weather With The Wall Street Bull

I’m typing this from under 30 inches of snow snowbullfrom Blizzard Juno. Just kidding! Only 15 inches.

This was a veritable Edsel of storms–it was hyped as an uberevent, which made the actual event anticlimactic although it was significant in its own right. Gotta love advertising.

Mayor de Blasio, normally an empathetic guy, chose to close down the subways instead of dramatically reducing service. Although the city said that no person who was seeking shelter would be turned away, there’s just no freaking room to accommodate the usual 60K-plus people who sleep in NYC municipal shelters every night PLUS the estimated thousands of additional people who go unsheltered. (Figures from Coalition for the Homeless.) For better or for worse, riding the subway is the only shelter of which many of the homeless avail themselves, so taking that away without a viable alternative was a knife in the heart for many. CAN WE NOW GET SERIOUS ABOUT SEIZING ABANDONED BUILDINGS THROUGH EMINENT DOMAIN AND CREATING AFFORDABLE HOUSING?

But I digress.

City workers did a decent job of clearing the snow, but we’re not whole yet. Subways opened at 7:30 this morning (Jan 27), which might give some businesses the idea that they can expect employees to come to work today as if nothing happened, but it ain’t that easy. It’s still freezing, with icy streets and sidewalks in many places. My advice? Stay home. Watch daytime TV–that’ll make you appreciate your job, no matter how shitty it is.

They’re calling for snow to continue until the afternoon. We’re all hoping that trash collection happens today and that everyone stays safe. We’re also hoping that at least one flight to Puerto Rico that has a seat with a lot of shank room can get out of JFK.
-30-

Byline: The Wall Street Abominable Snowbull.

For more insights and opinions from our shiny friend follow @TheWallStBull on Twitter 

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Badger’s End of Time Quiz

This one’s clever, see if you can work it out. Not bothering giving entry details, if you think you know the answers and want to play then post a comment.

  1. Who starred in the films Ransom, Braveheart and What Women Want?
  2. What do you call a rock flying through space?
  3. The collective name for male humans is…
  4. A country in South America known for it’s waves…
  5. What is the Latin name for the European Badger?

Bonus if you know what the link between all the answers are.

 

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Pilot: Episode 2

Episode 2: The Problem With Dust

As my mother welcomed our passengers (three pilot cover imagevery dubious looking “students”) aboard Hank dug me sharply in the ribs.

“Come on then, let’s find out what all the fuss was about!”

“Not yet.” I drew the bag closer to me. “I want to open it on my own.”  Something about it made me feel very possessive over its contents.

“You are such a FREAK!” Hank ruffled my hair and walked away.  His comment did not escape the bat like ears of my mother, however, who caught him a short sharp blow to the back of the head.

“Don’t call your brother a freak, I’ve told you before!”

“Aw,” Hank rubbed the back of his head sheepishly.  ”I meant his personality, not… the other thing.”  He trailed off knowing this wasn’t the best response.

“Show our guests to their quarters, please.”

Reluctantly Hank obeyed, leading the grubby looking trio away.

“He only said it cos I don’t want to open the bag in front of people.” I explained.

“No, especially not in front of those three,” Mother agreed.  ”Whatever is in there is worth something.  I doubt very much that they have student travel visas, and they’re paying cash.  The sooner they’re off my ship the happier I’ll be.”

“Shall we open it in the galley?” I asked her.

“Yes, come on, if it’s food Kia will work wonders with it.”

Kia is our on board chef, and my best friend.  I have no problem with either her or my mother seeing what’s in the bag.  Normally I wouldn’t mind Hank seeing either, but in this case, for some reason I didn’t want him to.

We headed down the rusty circular corridor to the drop down hatch that led to the galley.  There is a drop down ladder to get in and out, but no-one ever uses it.  I wrenched the hatch open with an almighty creaking sound  to reveal Kia busying herself below.

“Hey, Megan. We are very low on food, I am flavouring the ration packs again!” She called up to my mother.

“No-one can flavour a ration pack like you!” I grinned at her.

“What do you want, Trouble?” she called back at me.

“Heads up!” I responded, chucking the bag down to her.  Her cat reflexes responded and she deftly caught it and placed it on the table.

“That’s another of my lives you nearly took!” She grinned as I dropped myself through the hatch, followed by Mother.

“Well you’re lucky to have nine!” I retorted.

During the war humans attempted to respond to the alien threat by bonding their DNA with that of animals.  The result was a number of hybrids, like Kia. Also a number of very dangerous subspecies, which had to be exterminated. People are stupid.

“What’s in the bag then?” she asked, giving me her full attention.  She always gives me her full attention, and I never feel I’m a bother to her.

“We’re about to find out!” I kinda wanted a drum roll, but that could be seen as overkill.  I flipped the clasp of the bag and opened it.  Inside was a brown paper package.  I lifted it out and placed it carefully on the counter.  Kia grabbed a knife from the rack and deftly cut the string holding it closed.  The paper fell away to reveal a glass jar containing a tiny woman, no more than six inches high, with iridescent purple wings that moved so quickly they were a blur.  The bottom of the jar was an inch deep in glittering dust.

“Oh shit!” My mother exclaimed.  ”They were dust dealers!  This is the last thing we need!”

“I thought fairies only stayed in this form for an hour a month to shed their dust,” I mused, examining the little creature curiously.

“They obviously caught this one.  Who knows how long she’s been trapped in there with her own dust.” Mother pulled me away from the jar.  ”She could be crazy!”

“We have to let her out!” I objected.

“The last thing I need on my ship is a crazy fairy.”

“I’ll take responsibility for her,” I insisted.

“And who will take responsibility for you?” Mother demanded.

“Me as usual,” Kia interjected.  As she spoke she twisted the jar open and the fairy flew out with a cloud of dust.

I should take a moment to explain that fairy dust is an extremely potent, highly sought after aphrodisiac.  It makes people lose control.

Suddenly the fairy was full size and standing next to us, coughing.

“Oh shit!” Kia screwed the jar tightly again and put it back on the counter.  ”I think I breathed some in!  What do I do?”

“Go to your quarters, lock yourself in and stay there for twenty-four hours.” My Mother said firmly.  ”Do not stop to speak to anyone.  Go now.”  As she spoke she grabbed an emergency space mask from the wall and put it on before turning to the fairy. “How long will you be this potent for?” she demanded.

“I don’t know, I’ve never been locked in a jar before.”  The woman replied frankly.

“OK, take her to your quarters and keep her there until the dust has settled.” Mother commanded. “Do not let anyone see her, or we’ll have a riot.”

“OK,” I leapt back up through the hatch and hauled myself up.  Then I leaned back through offering my hand to the fairy.

“Come on, this way.”

“As I led her down the corridor I could hear my mother muttering through her mask;

“This is the last bloody time you play poker…”

If you are enjoying this story you might enjoy Badger’s other writings.  Search C H Clepitt on Amazon for more from the author.

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Pilot

Badger has started a new story.  Excitings.  Intended to be a SciFi serial, this is the first time she has written a SciFi, and in the first person.  Therefore the first episode, entitled “Pilot” of The Crew Chronicles will be available to read in instalments here, in Story Corner and on an App called Wattpad, for those of you who do apps.  When Pilot is complete it will also be released for free on other ebook readers.  If it turns out to be popular then the series will continue.  As always feedback is welcome.  feel free to post a comment below.  And, Enjoy!

 

Pilot

 

Humans are not nice.  as a race they are pilot cover imageaggressive, judgemental and fearful of what they don’t understand.

When Earth was low low on resources the “Aliens”, as they referred to them, (those beings who had been observing the Earth) made themselves known.  Why they thought a race of beings who systematically destroyed their own planet, ripping apart its natural resources and raping its land would be receptive to help from a more advanced race is beyond me really.  They blame the aliens for the subsequent destruction of their planet, but in fact it was them.  The nuclear bombs they used made the entire planet uninhabitable for hundreds of years, so they aliens took them with them, on ships.  Even then they did not see it as a rescue, they saw it as enslavement and attempted to rebel.  The ridiculous thing is, in space there is absolutely no-where to go.

Now there is a tenuous peace.  Mostly they avoid one another.  Apart from us.  We have found a sort of strange unity, working together, travelling from port to port, like a cruise ship, only without the hygiene, or the postal service, and without the crazies (mostly).

So, you may have noticed that I have given you a brief history (I skipped the boring bits) about they humans and the aliens, and I bet you’re wondering which am I.  Well, that is you all over.  Desperate to put labels on everything, never happy unless something fits into a nice little box.  Well, I am just not a box kinda guy, I guess. My mother was human, my father, well, wasn’t. Not that I ever met him.  I go simply on the very distinctive DNA he left me with, along with a lack of gender.  I am the modern day version of a mule.  It doesn’t bother me you understand.  But it seems to bother everyone else.  So, if I make you uncomfortable I guess that’s your problem, you don’t have to read this, do you?

Anyway, today started much like any other.  We pulled into Aquarious station plenty early enough to restock and check out some action.  I’m a bit of a gambler.  Poker is one of the main things that the humans insisted on taking with them when they left Earth.  Probably because they are greedy.  There is usually a high stakes table lurking somewhere around these places so whilst the rest of the crew head out to restock or find work I hunt for somewhere to refill my purse.  Did I mention I always win?  It’s something I inherited from my father, part from the strange purple tinge.  Jeeze, there’s no need to stare.  So, I am eyeing down this grizzly looking bastard, serious stubble, no front teeth, not sure even a mother could love that face.  He has intimidated his way into the final round.  Most guys on the table folder cos he frowned at them.  I don’t scare so easy.  You don’t go through life looking like me without learning how to take care of yourself.  Anyway, I can see from his smug expression that he thinks he’s got me beat.  I can also see from the reflection in his eyes that he don’t.  My vision is, er, acute, and it ain’t cheating.  Just makes me luckier than others is all.

So, I can tell that whilst this jerk off is at the table the stakes ain’t gunna get any higher, as everyone’s scared of him, so I take a chance and go all in with my already considerable winnings.

“Look’s like you’re out of luck, Pal,” I taunted him, knowing that he would rise to the bait.  “What you got in front of you there ain’t gunna see me.”

“This will!” Angrily he slammed a black leather bag down on the table.  “That’ll match you!”

“Fine,” I said.  “Let’s get this over with.  What have you got?”

Sufficient to say he was not impressed to see my hand.  The table was flung over scattering the chips and the cards over the floor as the ugly beast thundered towards me.

“You cheated!” he fumed.

“Come on, Pal. Don’t be a sore loser,” I offered, drawing my retractable staff from my sleeve and assuming a defensive stance.  Like I said, you don’t grow up looking like me without learning a thing or two.  I am quite slight, and lithe, both traits which serve me well when fending off attacks from lumbering oafs such as thins one.  That combined with my skill with a staff meant that this idiot was soon on his back and unconscious.

“Well, it’s been a blast, fellas,” I said to the rest of the game as I gathered up my winnings and the mysterious black bag.  “But I really gotta rejoin my crew now.”

 * * *

 

“Got some work?” I asked Hank as I found him on the promenade.

“Couple of students looking to go on a field trip to the third moon of Gallery, reckon the fauna there is second to none.”

“So are the whore houses,” I observed.

“Well as long as they pay travel.  Reckon we can pick up some quality gear there too, so will be worth the trip.”

“Well, everyday is an adventure anyhow,” I philosophised slinging my loot proudly over my shoulder.

“What you got there?”

“Played me some poker.”

“Nice.  What’s in the bag?”

“Dunno.  Look when I get back to the ship.  Won it off Big Ugly so better be good.”

“You know, you would get us all in considerably less trouble if you looked into the bag before bringing it on board, at least once in a while.”  Hank smiled dryly.

“Hey you!” a voice bellowed from across the promenade.  “Where did you get that bag?”

“You see?” Hank said exasperatedly, pulling his gun and turning in the direction of the voice.  “Who’s asking?”

“This is not your fight, Human.  This is between us and the inbred!”

Inbred is one of the nicer things I have been called, but I knew it would rile Hank.  Ever since we were kids it’s annoyed him when people have called me names.

Whilst in their ignorance and “us and them” mentality humans tend to refer to all aliens as “aliens”, there are many different species.  These two were of the nastier looking variety, with hard scaly skin like a rhino and hook claws that look like they could do some serious damage.  I don’t fancy Hank’s chances.

“Don’t call him that!” Hank had drawn his baton now too.

“Hey…” I tried to calm the situation.  “We don’t want any trouble.  I won this bag in a poker game.  I’m sure we can come to an arrangement if you want it so badly.”

“How about, you give us the bag, and we don’t kill you?  How’s that for an arrangement?”  They advanced menacingly.

“I don’t really like that arrangement,” Hank was grinning broadly now.  A thousand watts of electricity surged through the body of one of our assailants leaving him twitching on the ground.  The other turned sharply to see the tall, well muscled marine standing over the body of his colleague.

“Cross!” he gasped.

“I see my reputation precedes me.  So, you have a choice.  you can either run away, or end up twitting in a pool of your own piss like your friend there.”

He chose the former.

“Honestly, I can’t take you two anywhere.  What did you do this time?”

“Nothing,” Hank looked at his feet sheepishly.

 

“I won this bag in a poker game, they want it.  I don’t know why.” I explained.

“Don’t you know what’s in it?”

“Haven’t looked yet.”

“Of course you haven’t.  We’ll look when we get back to the ship.  Come on.”

“Yes Mum,” we said simultaneously.

This was the first chapter in a new SciFi Serial by C H Clepitt.  Find out more about Badger’s other writings by checking out Badger’s Books. And to keep up to date with the next instalment follow is on Facebook and Twitter by following the link in the top right of the screen.

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Weather With The Wall Street Bull

The weather in NYC is craptastic–thanks for photo (7)asking. If one more of our California friends mentions “sunny and high 70s,” we’re gonna book a flight to LA just to punch them out personally.

It’s literally freezing, and I mean “literally” literally. After a warm, Spring-like Sunday, it got progressively colder and now I’m a bronze popsicle in an intermittent wind tunnel. This is the kind of temperature fluctuation that your mother tells you will make you catch a cold. No, Ma–it’s all the phlegmy schmendricks sneezing in my immediate vicinity that are going to make me catch a cold, after which I will hunt them down and gore them. But I digress.

So when it was rainy all weekend, at least the humidity in the air made the weather borderline bearable. But this week we’ll be back and forth between snow and bone dry. My tail tuft will be all staticky and I’ll be short-tempered. How will that be different from and other day? you ask. Don’t make me gore you.

Of course the worst part of the sucky weather isn’t complaining statues: it’s seeing homeless folks at real risk for hypothermia. Every time somebody walks by me on their way to work, bitching on their phone to someone about the cold, I want to shout, “What the hell are you complaining about? You just came from indoors and you’re headed indoors.” But it’s in my contract that I can’t shout at passers-by. (My agent is a dog. No, literally.)

Anyway, I guess my points are as follows, in no particular order:
1. Winter sucks.
2. Static electricity suck.
3. Being homeless always sucks, but in the winter it’s life-threatening, so buy some hot food for a street person.

FORECAST: Cold and sucky for the foreseeable future. Some snow today: not enough for anybody to get the day off, but enough to irritate the shit out of us and make life miserable. Warming trend anticipated possibly in April. I can’t type anymore– my hooves are freezing. Who will bring me another coffee? Somebody check Travelocity for flights to LA. I hear it’s sunny and 70s there, and there are some people I need to see.

For more insights follow @TheWallStBull on Twitter.

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