Palin does Poetry

From the woman who brought you the word Refudiate comes now a new, strange adaptation of Dr Seuss, which is supposed to be mocking, someone, apparently.  Whilst we are not sure how she feels about Green Eggs and Ham, apparently she isn’t too fond of something… the number of cheers she gets whilst telling her story, implies that there must have been lots of children in the audience.  It’s nice. She also has her own TV show, about Alaska, which is quite near Russia apparently. Who knew?  Anyway, the video is below if you can bring yourselves to care.

Barbie Girl Lives on Air

Did you know that there is a Ukrainian model who looks an awful lot like Barbie? (The doll, not Eastenders actress).  Well, nor did we, but then we saw a pic, and well, quite frankly it’s uncanny.  We also had a snoop at her Facebook Page (be careful here, once you click it you won’t be able to look away) and she has either found several friends with similar doll like features, or she poses with wigs and lots of mirrors.  Either way it’s absolutely fascinating.  However, this is not the news, interesting though it is.  The news is that she has recently declared that she is able to sustain herself on a diet of just light and air.  That’s right.  Since Badger was feeling a bit guilty about her breakfast bagel, and thinking she should really join a gym to get rid of this podge she seems to have acquired, a light and air diet seemed a brilliant solution.  Exercise takes time and effort, but light and air is just there, right? What could possibly go wrong?  Since we only ask people with appropriate qualifications to comment on technical stuff like this we asked Eileen from the Twittersphere, who assures us she has Biology GCSE what would happen if a person rejected food and water and just tried to live on air and light.  She told us:

For a short time but no. That’s why explorers etc drink their own urine. You’d dehydrate without fluid.

I’m no expert but I think your organs would eventually shut down.

If I’m wrong, blame Mr Large and Pam with her talking parrot.

We’re pretty sure here at Newsnibbles that Mr Large and Pam are safe. And we have found examples of Barbie with food, although technically not eating…

You can read more here if we didn’t cover it in enough detail for you.

See If You Can Spot the Unintentional Error!

Well, it is entirely possible, that you, like us are sick of the constant coverage of the Royal New Zealand trip.  Watching gushing New Zealanders marvel at how honoured they are by the Duke and Duchess (is that what they are now? Wills and Kate anyway, or if you are reporting from the BBC William and Katherine) taking the time to speak with them.  Well actually that’s what they’re there for, and they’re just people really so stop making such a fuss.  But anyway, we’re digressing into an irritated rant, as is our wont when presented with sycophants on a mass scale.  But, what almost made it (and by it we mean the over coverage of every tiny bloody step) worth while was Charlie Stayt’s breakfast blooper, where, instead of saying Wills had recently left the RAF, he said IRA!!! Really!! Bahahahahahahahahaha! Well done Charlie, perked us right up.  And some pure genius put it on Youtube, so that if you missed it you can catch it now! Oh go on!

We do enjoy his updates.

EXCLUSIVE: In his greatest move since becoming NYC’s Police Chief, Bill Bratton ordered the barricades that had surrounded me for 2 1/2 years to be removed. GOOD RIDDANCE, ugly prison bars! Let nothing stand between me and my adoring fans.

The barricades were moved to the side on Tuesday, March 25, and a truck came to haul them off at about 8 AM on Wednesday.

I now have an unobstructed view up Broadway, like back in the good old days. Also, it’s much easier to get nice, artful pictures of me without filthy bars blocking your shot.

I’m waiting on a delivery of Champagne, at which point I’ll set up a little celebratory thing with other members of the @InanimateLeague. Might bring in a vegan caterer for the occasion, too.

So come on down to FiDi and say hello to the new, unfettered me. Bring an extra bagel, please.

Follow @TheWallStBull

Fifteen more minutes before thousands of traders kid themselves that they can predict the behavior of millions of consumers & investors.

— The Wall Street Bull (@TheWallStBull) March 27, 2014

So, we’re breaking down what has happened

Photo of a cow. Cos we can.

over the last week or so, from memory, based on snippets of TV, and with no research, because that takes time ‘n’ shiz, as does sourcing images, so, as with the best news reporting organisations we have just recycled some unrelated stock images from the archives.  Do we look bothered?

So, a plane has gone missing on the way to Beijing, and no-one knows what’s happened or where it is.  It went off the radar about three days ago and there has been no information since.  Apparently two people boarded using stolen passports and have been described as “not Asian”, which really narrows it down.  We have been watching for a while, and if there are updates we will update you.  In the meanwhile if you have ever met someone who is “not Asian”, don’t act weird around them, they probably didn’t do anything.

News reports have been tactfully pussyfooting around the situation in the Ukraine, being very careful not to pass judgement or say anything that may be seen as forming any sort of opinion.  So obviously we won’t either, because we want to be like everyone else.  We aren’t going to talk about how lovely the Winter Olympics are whilst completely ignoring the arrested people who did some protesting or other general human rights violations, because we are just going to generally gloss over the whole thing.  We certainly aren’t going to bring up the fact that the Gawker reported that Pussy Riot were detained again.  We have put a link there though, in case you want to look yourselves.

Also, the UK won their first ever Paralympic Gold Medal in skiing, which is nice.  If we’re going to be over there we may as well take home gold.

Much like the badger cull, which lacked significant evidence to proceed, and had limited success because those bloody cunning badgers moved the goal posts, the government’s argument towards limiting immigration seems to have limited (no?) evidence to support it.  Apparently no-one is taking our jobs… who knew?  A report stating this was not published, but The Mirror seems to have dug it up, so you can have a look. Maybe the immigrants moved the goal posts, or maybe the right-wing propaganda machine simply isn’t what it was.

By popular demand, we’re getting some spring-like weather, and it’s about effing time. (Sorry–I don’t do gratitude very well.) Unfortunately, Uggs-wearers have not gotten the memo. So if you have a friend who wears those hideous things, drop a hint, wouldya?

Along with the marginal improvement in New Yorkers’ attitudes, Spring inevitably brings another NYC staple: fornicating pigeons. It’s as Big Apple as public urination, but visitors don’t seem to embrace either of those things as an essential part of the tourism experience. Solution? Include this in the @I_LOVE_NY advertisements. You’re welcome.

Good news: looks like temps will stay in the 40s for the next 10 days, even going up to 55 on Tuesday. Look for a buff bronze brother enjoying a salad at the outside seating section of Cafe Fiorello if my body double can work for me that day and if Fiorello’s changes its stupid “no bovines” rule.

Follow @TheWallStBull

It's 12 noon: LET THERE BE LENTILS.

— The Wall Street Bull (@TheWallStBull) March 10, 2014

Have you been wondering why we haven’t

Our Canine Correspondent is on the bank of a precarious river that she could fall into and get wet. We recommend you don’t get this close to a river. Only reporters should.

posted for a while? Well, it’s because there is nothing interesting happening.  But, just in case you missed us, here is a list of things the news has been covering of late.

The Weather

Have you noticed that it’s been raining here in the UK? Well, for our foreign readers, yes, it has been fairly rainy here in the the United Kingdom.  If residents were incapable of looking up to the sky and saying “golly gosh, it’s precipitating today” it has been covered on the news, daily.  OK, so there have been some big waves, and there have been floods, but mostly, we have been talking about rain.  Rest assured that had it snowed we would be talking about that, and in the summer there will be a heat wave and hosepipe bans, because, despite all this rain no-one will have thought to stock up on water. Nope.  On that note, weather can be dangerous, and people have been warned to stay away from big waves etc.  This warning does not deter the BBC reporters though, oh no.  Whilst standing, resolutely on the sea wall the intrepid reporter tells us that everyone has been warned not to stand on the sea wall because the waves are super big!  Does working for the BBC make you suddenly immortal, or is the life insurance really good?  Surely the message could have come across just as well from the studio? Why risk a reporter, they’re expensive.  It’s like when they put the weather presenter out in the snow to prove it’s snowing.  We don’t need to torment them, we’ll look out the window and spot it. Let them stay in the warm BBC.  It’s cruel!

Kate Middleton Was in a Play

On BBC breakfast this morning it was reported that some newspaper or other (the theme of this post dictates that we simply don’t care about the specifics) has discovered pictures of Kate Middleton (the Duchess of Cambridge for those American readers who think all that stuff is quaint) was in a school play when she was eleven.  If we didn’t care about the Royal Baby we most certainly don’t care about this.  You will find it difficult to believe just how little we care.  Actually not at all.  But apparently this is big news.  The breakfast reporters discussed it in great length about how the current generation cannot expect to have any secrets with all the Facebooking blah blah blah.  Then some random chap in a in a shirt, roll neck jumper and a sports jacket (are the beeb cutting down on the heating bills? Maybe they should stop putting their reporters in such precarious positions and then the insurance premiums would go down) saying how ironic it is that she was playing Eliza Doolittle.  Has he seen My Fair Lady? Clearly not.  And also, NO-ONE CARES!!! She was in a play! Big bloody deal! It’s hardly scandalous is it?  It’s not like she was in a biker gang and has left a large hairy ex called Bubba who has her face tattooed to his chest with Kate4eves underneath.  Even if that was the case we wouldn’t care, but it’s not.  She was in a play. Big whoop.

The Olympic Ring

Now, whilst we care that we have sent our reporters and athletes to a country with questionable human rights policies we DO NOT CARE that the 6th ring did not light up during the opening ceremony and they used dress rehearsal footage to broadcast to make it look better.  We just don’t care.  Let’s focus on that because heaven forbid we focus on something that actually matters like the prisoners of conscience or their anti-gay laws.  That would ruin our enjoyment of the sports wouldn’t it?  Let’s just talk about the ring and the fact that it didn’t like properly, or, here’s an idea, LET’S NOT!!!

END

Police in Australia were called out this week to rescue a naked man from a washing

Here is Annie re-enacting the washing machine hide and seek. She is a professional and this was done under controlled circumstances. DO NOT try this at home.

machine.  Really.  The man, as yet unnamed but reported to be in his twenties climbed into the top loading washing machine because he was playing hide and seek, and according to the BBC Report wanted to surprise his partner.  We are sure his partner was surprised by the battalion of emergency service crews called out to the home, who, apparently had to resort to using olive oil as a lubricant to extract the wedged joker.  It was a mission that took them twenty minutes.  What the BBC report tactfully avoids, but since we are incredibly hard hitting and newshoundy (wot evs) we are going to address head on is:

Why naked?

Why naked hide and seek?  Did he misunderstand what “naked hide and seek” actually is?  After a quick poll of the interns, most of whom are lethargic students we have determined that when they have embarked on a game of “naked hide and seek” they have never hidden any part of themselves, let alone their whole boding inside a household appliance.  Apparently the rules are very different.  One of them did say that they had used olive oil, and another whipped cream.  We sent that one home with a stern warning about hygiene.  One thing is clear, the clothes that come out of that washing machine will never be clean again.

Just for funzies (cos that’s how we roll) we decided to ask the fans to come up with a list of things they might do with a household appliance such as a washing machine.

Well, Nibblers, we know we haven’t been posting as much of late, and when we have it’s been more serious than our usual topics, but it’s Christmas, and we wanted to celebrate with a chuckle, so here is the festive film that Badger scripted on behalf of a small local charity.  We hope you enjoy it, and have a lovely festive period.  See you in the New Year.

Exciting news for  those of you following the Pussy Riot case, or anyone interested in human rights and freedom of speech, as it was announced this week that the two members of the punk rock band Pussy Riot, who were imprisoned last year after performing a protest song in a church will be free by January.  The move has come as part of an amnesty law, which allows prisoners who have committed non violent crimes and mothers with young children early release.  There has been speculation amongst some of the news sites that this amnesty is a PR move in during the build up to the winter Olympics.  Russia’s recent “anti-gay” bill, which passed unanimously in the State Duma and approved by the Kremlin earlier this year has been met with international criticism,  and it could be argued that this amnesty is an attempt to improve its international profile in advance of the Olympics. According to Billboard.com Putin was very careful to point out that the amnesty was not designed to justify the early release of Pussy Riot, and it is simply that they meet the criteria, along with other 25,000 other prisoners, stating:

“This isn’t a revision of the court verdict. This is an overall decision, which applies to them.”

Whilst it wasn’t a revision of the court verdict, pressure from international media, agencies like Amnesty International as well as The Russian Supreme Court declaring the sentence unlawful can’t have hurt their case either. Unfortunately this does not mean the immediate release of the two imprisoned Pussy Riot members, because, according to Billboard:

 …prison authorities say they are waiting for documents necessary for their release, including birth certificates and other forms of identification, before they are freed.

which has led to concerns here in the Newsnibbles office, as to how the authorities know they have the right people in prison at all… but it’s probably best not to get bogged in semantics, no-one else seems to. On a slightly amusing side note President Obama is sending Billie Jean King as one of as one of the delegation to the Moscow Olympics. Nice one.

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