Nibblets

It’s Shaun, Gromit!!!

After the vastly successful Gromit Unleashed exhibition all around Bristol, 2015 is set to see Shaun in the City which is looking to be just as fun and exciting. It will cross Bristol and London and soon the hunt will be on, for Sophie, our intrepid travel reporter! Watch this space folks!

It’s Like Being on a Space Ship…

…But with toilets and stuff.  This may well be the coolest thing we have seen in a while, and since we know mostly of you rarely leave your sofa (or you’d buy a proper newspaper…) let alone go on holiday, here is the perfect way to visit space from the comfort of your home! Find out more by visiting the the about page but from what we can glean those clever chaps at Google have managed to get a live view from a spaceship, just by clicking here. How excitings is that?!

Random Video

Did you hear the one about the horse walking into the police station? No? Well, just watch the video instead then…

 

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Yes/No?

Well, what’s been all over the news lately is the photo (8)issue of Scottish Independence, so we would be lax here at Newsnibbles if we didn’t do something on it.  What if this was the only news outlet you read? You wouldn’t have a clue what was going on, would you?!

So, for those of you who have been living in a cave for the past several months may not know that Scotland are holding a referendum on whether they want to be independent from the rest of this wonderfully united Kingdom. The fear that they might actually vote YES has galvanised the BIG THREE into something they could actually agree on.  Mr Macaroon almost cried like a girl, begging them to stay, saying how much “we” would miss them, whilst breathing into a paper bag and imagining the loss of all that oil, er company.  We aren’t really sure what Mr Egg had to say, but it probably went along the lines of “I am so sorry you feel let down by us”, that’s what he usually seems to say.  Mr Rubberband was more assertive, which is rather disconcerting for those of us who are accustomed to him sitting on the fence, and said that together something good would happen, to be honest I switched off when he started talking.  Really he should be way more nervous than Mr Macaroon, because without Scotland it is incredibly unlikely that the UK will EVER get shot of the Tories. Might be a good time to consider leaving the country, especially if you’re a badger.

According to the Beeb, who have been reporting on the whole thing with gusto, there are lots of Scots who are still undecided, so it’s going to be right up to the wire.  BBC coverage, as with most things they cover has involved stopping people on the streets and asking them stuff.  They also have a random reporter standing on a street in Scotland answering questions she could just as easily answer from the studio.  She is probably pleased there isn’t another storm for her to report on.  Not to be outdone, whilst not leaving the comfort of this particular chair, we asked our many, many Twitter fans what they thought of Sottish Independence.

Our weather correspondent, The Wall Street Bull had this to say on the topic of Scottish independence:

 

Like most of your neighbours across the pond, I have only a passing awareness of the Scottish Independence issue, but lack of understanding has never stopped Americans from expressing passionate opinions about world issues, so here I go.

First off, since everything is all about us, we are understandably concerned that anything affecting Scotland might detrimentally impact the flow of single-malt Scotch to our shores, which would cause hardship to many prominent citizens. So we’re rooting for whichever decision results in an uninterrupted booze supply.

Secondly, the only Scotsman most of us know is the groundskeeper from the Simpsons. He’s already stated his position, so we’ll probably go with whatever that is. I didn’t actually watch the show–I just read a headline on Twitter.

Thirdly, we have mixed feelings about kilts. Females seem to think they’re hot, but dudes are not completely comfortable with the idea that at any minute, some kilted bro walking over a subway grate might treat us to a Marilyn Monroe moment that we won’t be able to unsee. We can’t dismiss the worry over this risk enough to concentrate on the real issues Scotland is facing, whatever they might be. Something about haggis, maybe? It’s unclear.

Lastly, as a nation that was formed by telling the British to GTFO, we do feel an affinity for Occupied Scotland. However, that’s tempered with our worry that Albannach will lose their angry edge if their country is finally free. As everybody knows, the Blues would never have come about if it wasn’t for pain and suffering. Likewise, England’s chains are what makes for great pipes and drums anthems. Not sure we’re ready to kiss that goodbye.

I think I speak for all Americans of non-Scottish descent when I say, “Meh.” In our defence, I’d like to add that we’re very busy interfering in the governments of other countries, so we’re really spread too thin to get more involved in the Scottish Independence issue. We wish them luck, and if they have any extra shortbread cookies lying around, we’d be happy to take them off their hands.

(Mr. Charging Bull is a New York City resident who has an opinion about everything. He’s available to speak at graduations, bar mitzvahs, or weddings, or anywhere that a loosely-supported, unfocused diatribe is needed.)

 

What? It’s just as relevant as anyone the Beeb has interviewed…

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To Boldly Go…

That’s right Star Trek fans, that headline was an homage to the famous introductory lines to Star Trek.  But what is the exciting news you ask?  Is it a new Star Trek film?  A new series perhaps?  Of course not, or at least if there is that’s not what we’re talking about here.  We are not even a little bit in the know about stuff like that, we barely hear about it when it’s already been released.  You know what is on our radar though?  Porn.  That’s right Nibblers, anything that involves sex on film and we’re all over it like a bad case of crabs here at Newsnibbles. So, what do Swedish Pornos and classic ’60s sci fi have in common?

Well, Swedish film “The Vulgar Vulcan” is what!

According to The Birmingham Mail a 70 year old Spok lookalike turned down a role in aforementioned, erm, art film…  According to the Mail the lookalike had retired from looking like anything other than himself when he was called to appear before Birmingham Crown Court on charges of harassing his neighbours.  The Birmingham Mail goes on to state that he was offered “a conditional discharge”, which could be why the adult film producers felt he could be amenable to their offer.  Ooer missus… Anyway, he’s not.  If they do manage to get a star for their film we would love to interview them… do get in touch…

Believe it or not we do not have any archive photos appropriate to run with this story, so instead here is what we think Captain Kirk and the rest of the crews’ reactions might be if confronted with “The Vulgar Vulcan”… Enjoy…

 

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If You Aren’t Hip n Down wid da Kids…

m4s0n501

So, if like me, you thought “twerking” was “Tweeting at Work” – which by the way, it isn’t, then allow me to enlighten you.  Having spent the last several month telling people I Twerk as part of my contract, as I run the work’s Twitter account, and facing off some very strange looks from people who did not feel the urge to tell me that it is not part of anyone’s contract unless they work in a strip club, I finally discovered, interestingly enough through Twitter, that “Twirking” is in fact weird sexy “dancing” which, rather like a car crash, once you see it you simply can’t look away, as witnessed by the video below. Enjoy.

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Weather With The Wall Street Bull

Somebody tell the weather that it’s photo (7)not April any more. I’m getting waterlogged over here with all this rain. Also, having my eyes poked with umbrellas every five seconds could lead to some tourist fatalities, and we all know that would be a shiner for New York City… BUT AT LEAST IT WOULDN’T BE A POKED-OUT EYE AMIRITE?

Humidity has been hanging over us like a guest who’s overstayed their welcome (#justinbieber), and it’s making the city look tawdry and dull (#donaldtrump). Manhattan skyscrapers look best framed by intensely blue skies with scattered marshmallow-puff clouds (yes, that’s the actual meteorological term, thanks for asking). So in a way, I’m worried that the tourists aren’t seeing the real beauty of the city while we’re having this crappy weather.
But we’re in for a brutal summer of unrelenting heat, so I guess I should be thankful that their aren’t shimmering waves emanating from my bronze body just yet. I’m not the easiest bull to pet when it’s 95 degrees and sunny (#thirddegreeburns).
I’m encouraging every one everywhere–not just NYC–to capture rainwater for use around the yard/garden/farm. Learn how to do it efficiently now BEFORE you need it. If you’re a liberal, do it because it’s good for the environment. If you’re a conservative, do it because it lessens your dependency on government-regulated infrastructure. If you’re an anarchist, pretend you wanted to do it anyway even before I mentioned it.

Sincerely,
Mr Charging Bull
(@TheWallStBull)
Weather Correspondent for the wildly popular Newsnibbles
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One of Your 5 a Day

Well, if you are sick of the way politics are being covered in the mainstream media: having to listen to Farage (with his European Heritage and German wife), who wants all the Europeans to stop coming over and taking British jobs, unless of course they’re prepared to marry him first, then they can be his secretary (see the BBC interview on this tired topic), or Tories moan about badgers moving goal posts, or Clegg apologise (again), then this party political broadcast we found is a breath of fresh air.  It made us here at Newsnibbles *lol* for realz, and really, it lightens the mood of the depressing political back-biting and oneupamanship that the Etonion alum, who seem to occupy our current government tend to indulge in.  So, enough of this introductory nonsense, we aren’t paid by the word (or at all).  The video is below.

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Earth Day Report Dateline, NYC

It’s great weather for Earth Day, but it’s bad photo (7)weather for Earth Day. On the one hoof, it’s Spring-like and pleasant, and they say it’ll rain in the late afternoon: typical for April in New York. But on the other hoof, it’s days like these–typical-for-the-season days–that fuel the climate-change deniers. So I kinda wish we’d have one of those polar vortices to remind people, on this of all days, that our weather is actually effed up.

Early this morning, the Lyrid meteor shower amazed any NYer who wasn’t sleeping yet–and that’s usually about a million or so on any given night. Lotsa wishes were made on shooting stars. I wished for safety for the people of #Syria and rescue for the kidnapped #NigerianSchoolgirls. My bodyguard cop wished for an end to gun violence in the five boroughs. Some high dude walking by wished for a nickel bag. Guess who’s most likely to get their wish granted. <sigh>

In my city, the biggest Earth Day events will be at Union Square and Grand Central. This year, most Earth Day celebrations will have some exhibit or other kind of info on how climate change is negatively affecting the world’s food supply. People whose food comes directly from the ground to their cooking pots are taking a terrible hit–and most if these people are already just barely making it. It might take longer for effects to be felt in the aisles of @FairwayMarket, but it inevitably WILL. How bad it will be is dependent on how logical and data-driven we are. So this is a big education theme for Earth Day 2014.

My plans for today involve posing with tourists; eating heathy, sustainable, vegan meals; and following the markets. There will also be a liberal helping of sarcasm and levity. #seewhatididthere

Yours truly,

Mr. Charging Bull (aka Bully)
Bowling Green Park
New York, NY 10004

Follow @TheWallStBull on Twitter for more random insights

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Nibblets

Palin does Poetry

From the woman who brought you the word Refudiate comes now a new, strange adaptation of Dr Seuss, which is supposed to be mocking, someone, apparently.  Whilst we are not sure how she feels about Green Eggs and Ham, apparently she isn’t too fond of something… the number of cheers she gets whilst telling her story, implies that there must have been lots of children in the audience.  It’s nice. She also has her own TV show, about Alaska, which is quite near Russia apparently. Who knew?  Anyway, the video is below if you can bring yourselves to care.

Barbie Girl Lives on Air

Did you know that there is a Ukrainian model who looks an awful lot like Barbie? (The doll, not Eastenders actress).  Well, nor did we, but then we saw a pic, and well, quite frankly it’s uncanny.  We also had a snoop at her Facebook Page (be careful here, once you click it you won’t be able to look away) and she has either found several friends with similar doll like features, or she poses with wigs and lots of mirrors.  Either way it’s absolutely fascinating.  However, this is not the news, interesting though it is.  The news is that she has recently declared that she is able to sustain herself on a diet of just light and air.  That’s right.  Since Badger was feeling a bit guilty about her breakfast bagel, and thinking she should really join a gym to get rid of this podge she seems to have acquired, a light and air diet seemed a brilliant solution.  Exercise takes time and effort, but light and air is just there, right? What could possibly go wrong?  Since we only ask people with appropriate qualifications to comment on technical stuff like this we asked Eileen from the Twittersphere, who assures us she has Biology GCSE what would happen if a person rejected food and water and just tried to live on air and light.  She told us:

For a short time but no. That’s why explorers etc drink their own urine. You’d dehydrate without fluid.

I’m no expert but I think your organs would eventually shut down.

If I’m wrong, blame Mr Large and Pam with her talking parrot.

We’re pretty sure here at Newsnibbles that Mr Large and Pam are safe. And we have found examples of Barbie with food, although technically not eating…

You can read more here if we didn’t cover it in enough detail for you.

See If You Can Spot the Unintentional Error!

Well, it is entirely possible, that you, like us are sick of the constant coverage of the Royal New Zealand trip.  Watching gushing New Zealanders marvel at how honoured they are by the Duke and Duchess (is that what they are now? Wills and Kate anyway, or if you are reporting from the BBC William and Katherine) taking the time to speak with them.  Well actually that’s what they’re there for, and they’re just people really so stop making such a fuss.  But anyway, we’re digressing into an irritated rant, as is our wont when presented with sycophants on a mass scale.  But, what almost made it (and by it we mean the over coverage of every tiny bloody step) worth while was Charlie Stayt’s breakfast blooper, where, instead of saying Wills had recently left the RAF, he said IRA!!! Really!! Bahahahahahahahahaha! Well done Charlie, perked us right up.  And some pure genius put it on Youtube, so that if you missed it you can catch it now! Oh go on!

 

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Update! From Mr Wall Street Bull

We do enjoy his updates.

 

EXCLUSIVE: In his greatest move photo (7)since becoming NYC’s Police Chief, Bill Bratton ordered the barricades that had surrounded me for 2 1/2 years to be removed. GOOD RIDDANCE, ugly prison bars! Let nothing stand between me and my adoring fans.

The barricades were moved to the side on Tuesday, March 25, and a truck came to haul them off at about 8 AM on Wednesday.

I now have an unobstructed view up Broadway, like back in the good old days. Also, it’s much easier to get nice, artful pictures of me without filthy bars blocking your shot.

I’m waiting on a delivery of Champagne, at which point I’ll set up a little celebratory thing with other members of the @InanimateLeague. Might bring in a vegan caterer for the occasion, too.

So come on down to FiDi and say hello to the new, unfettered me. Bring an extra bagel, please.

Follow @TheWallStBull




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News “n” Stuff

So, we’re breaking down what has happened

Photo of a cow. Cos we can.

Photo of a cow. Cos we can.

over the last week or so, from memory, based on snippets of TV, and with no research, because that takes time ‘n’ shiz, as does sourcing images, so, as with the best news reporting organisations we have just recycled some unrelated stock images from the archives.  Do we look bothered?

So, a plane has gone missing on the way to Beijing, and no-one knows what’s happened or where it is.  It went off the radar about three days ago and there has been no information since.  Apparently two people boarded using stolen passports and have been described as “not Asian”, which really narrows it down.  We have been watching for a while, and if there are updates we will update you.  In the meanwhile if you have ever met someone who is “not Asian”, don’t act weird around them, they probably didn’t do anything.

News reports have been tactfully pussyfooting around the situation in the Ukraine, being very careful not to pass judgement or say anything that may be seen as forming any sort of opinion.  So obviously we won’t either, because we want to be like everyone else.  We aren’t going to talk about how lovely the Winter Olympics are whilst completely ignoring the arrested people who did some protesting or other general human rights violations, because we are just going to generally gloss over the whole thing.  We certainly aren’t going to bring up the fact that the Gawker reported that Pussy Riot were detained again.  We have put a link there though, in case you want to look yourselves.

Also, the UK won their first ever Paralympic Gold Medal in skiing, which is nice.  If we’re going to be over there we may as well take home gold.

Much like the badger cull, which lacked significant evidence to proceed, and had limited success because those bloody cunning badgers moved the goal posts, the government’s argument towards limiting immigration seems to have limited (no?) evidence to support it.  Apparently no-one is taking our jobs… who knew?  A report stating this was not published, but The Mirror seems to have dug it up, so you can have a look. Maybe the immigrants moved the goal posts, or maybe the right-wing propaganda machine simply isn’t what it was.

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