So, if like me, you thought “twerking” was “Tweeting at Work” – which by the way, it isn’t, then allow me to enlighten you. Having spent the last several month telling people I Twerk as part of my contract, as I run the work’s Twitter account, and facing off some very strange looks from people who did not feel the urge to tell me that it is not part of anyone’s contract unless they work in a strip club, I finally discovered, interestingly enough through Twitter, that “Twirking” is in fact weird sexy “dancing” which, rather like a car crash, once you see it you simply can’t look away, as witnessed by the video below. Enjoy.
Somebody tell the weather that it’s not April any more. I’m getting waterlogged over here with all this rain. Also, having my eyes poked with umbrellas every five seconds could lead to some tourist fatalities, and we all know that would be a shiner for New York City… BUT AT LEAST IT WOULDN’T BE A POKED-OUT EYE AMIRITE?Humidity has been hanging over us like a guest who’s overstayed their welcome (#justinbieber), and it’s making the city look tawdry and dull (#donaldtrump). Manhattan skyscrapers look best framed by intensely blue skies with scattered marshmallow-puff clouds (yes, that’s the actual meteorological term, thanks for asking). So in a way, I’m worried that the tourists aren’t seeing the real beauty of the city while we’re having this crappy weather.But we’re in for a brutal summer of unrelenting heat, so I guess I should be thankful that their aren’t shimmering waves emanating from my bronze body just yet. I’m not the easiest bull to pet when it’s 95 degrees and sunny (#thirddegreeburns).I’m encouraging every one everywhere–not just NYC–to capture rainwater for use around the yard/garden/farm. Learn how to do it efficiently now BEFORE you need it. If you’re a liberal, do it because it’s good for the environment. If you’re a conservative, do it because it lessens your dependency on government-regulated infrastructure. If you’re an anarchist, pretend you wanted to do it anyway even before I mentioned it.Sincerely,Mr Charging Bull(@TheWallStBull)Weather Correspondent for the wildly popular Newsnibbles
Well, if you are sick of the way politics are being covered in the mainstream media: having to listen to Farage (with his European Heritage and German wife), who wants all the Europeans to stop coming over and taking British jobs, unless of course they’re prepared to marry him first, then they can be his secretary (see the BBC interview on this tired topic), or Tories moan about badgers moving goal posts, or Clegg apologise (again), then this party political broadcast we found is a breath of fresh air. It made us here at Newsnibbles *lol* for realz, and really, it lightens the mood of the depressing political back-biting and oneupamanship that the Etonion alum, who seem to occupy our current government tend to indulge in. So, enough of this introductory nonsense, we aren’t paid by the word (or at all). The video is below.
It’s great weather for Earth Day, but it’s bad weather for Earth Day. On the one hoof, it’s Spring-like and pleasant, and they say it’ll rain in the late afternoon: typical for April in New York. But on the other hoof, it’s days like these–typical-for-the-season days–that fuel the climate-change deniers. So I kinda wish we’d have one of those polar vortices to remind people, on this of all days, that our weather is actually effed up.
Early this morning, the Lyrid meteor shower amazed any NYer who wasn’t sleeping yet–and that’s usually about a million or so on any given night. Lotsa wishes were made on shooting stars. I wished for safety for the people of #Syria and rescue for the kidnapped #NigerianSchoolgirls. My bodyguard cop wished for an end to gun violence in the five boroughs. Some high dude walking by wished for a nickel bag. Guess who’s most likely to get their wish granted. <sigh>
In my city, the biggest Earth Day events will be at Union Square and Grand Central. This year, most Earth Day celebrations will have some exhibit or other kind of info on how climate change is negatively affecting the world’s food supply. People whose food comes directly from the ground to their cooking pots are taking a terrible hit–and most if these people are already just barely making it. It might take longer for effects to be felt in the aisles of @FairwayMarket, but it inevitably WILL. How bad it will be is dependent on how logical and data-driven we are. So this is a big education theme for Earth Day 2014.
My plans for today involve posing with tourists; eating heathy, sustainable, vegan meals; and following the markets. There will also be a liberal helping of sarcasm and levity. #seewhatididthere
Mr. Charging Bull (aka Bully)
Bowling Green Park
New York, NY 10004
Palin does Poetry
From the woman who brought you the word Refudiate comes now a new, strange adaptation of Dr Seuss, which is supposed to be mocking, someone, apparently. Whilst we are not sure how she feels about Green Eggs and Ham, apparently she isn’t too fond of something… the number of cheers she gets whilst telling her story, implies that there must have been lots of children in the audience. It’s nice. She also has her own TV show, about Alaska, which is quite near Russia apparently. Who knew? Anyway, the video is below if you can bring yourselves to care.
Barbie Girl Lives on Air
Did you know that there is a Ukrainian model who looks an awful lot like Barbie? (The doll, not Eastenders actress). Well, nor did we, but then we saw a pic, and well, quite frankly it’s uncanny. We also had a snoop at her Facebook Page (be careful here, once you click it you won’t be able to look away) and she has either found several friends with similar doll like features, or she poses with wigs and lots of mirrors. Either way it’s absolutely fascinating. However, this is not the news, interesting though it is. The news is that she has recently declared that she is able to sustain herself on a diet of just light and air. That’s right. Since Badger was feeling a bit guilty about her breakfast bagel, and thinking she should really join a gym to get rid of this podge she seems to have acquired, a light and air diet seemed a brilliant solution. Exercise takes time and effort, but light and air is just there, right? What could possibly go wrong? Since we only ask people with appropriate qualifications to comment on technical stuff like this we asked Eileen from the Twittersphere, who assures us she has Biology GCSE what would happen if a person rejected food and water and just tried to live on air and light. She told us:
For a short time but no. That’s why explorers etc drink their own urine. You’d dehydrate without fluid.
I’m no expert but I think your organs would eventually shut down.
If I’m wrong, blame Mr Large and Pam with her talking parrot.
We’re pretty sure here at Newsnibbles that Mr Large and Pam are safe. And we have found examples of Barbie with food, although technically not eating…
You can read more here if we didn’t cover it in enough detail for you.
See If You Can Spot the Unintentional Error!
Well, it is entirely possible, that you, like us are sick of the constant coverage of the Royal New Zealand trip. Watching gushing New Zealanders marvel at how honoured they are by the Duke and Duchess (is that what they are now? Wills and Kate anyway, or if you are reporting from the BBC William and Katherine) taking the time to speak with them. Well actually that’s what they’re there for, and they’re just people really so stop making such a fuss. But anyway, we’re digressing into an irritated rant, as is our wont when presented with sycophants on a mass scale. But, what almost made it (and by it we mean the over coverage of every tiny bloody step) worth while was Charlie Stayt’s breakfast blooper, where, instead of saying Wills had recently left the RAF, he said IRA!!! Really!! Bahahahahahahahahaha! Well done Charlie, perked us right up. And some pure genius put it on Youtube, so that if you missed it you can catch it now! Oh go on!
We do enjoy his updates.
EXCLUSIVE: In his greatest move since becoming NYC’s Police Chief, Bill Bratton ordered the barricades that had surrounded me for 2 1/2 years to be removed. GOOD RIDDANCE, ugly prison bars! Let nothing stand between me and my adoring fans.
The barricades were moved to the side on Tuesday, March 25, and a truck came to haul them off at about 8 AM on Wednesday.
I now have an unobstructed view up Broadway, like back in the good old days. Also, it’s much easier to get nice, artful pictures of me without filthy bars blocking your shot.
I’m waiting on a delivery of Champagne, at which point I’ll set up a little celebratory thing with other members of the @InanimateLeague. Might bring in a vegan caterer for the occasion, too.
So come on down to FiDi and say hello to the new, unfettered me. Bring an extra bagel, please.
Fifteen more minutes before thousands of traders kid themselves that they can predict the behavior of millions of consumers & investors.
— The Wall Street Bull (@TheWallStBull) March 27, 2014
So, we’re breaking down what has happened
over the last week or so, from memory, based on snippets of TV, and with no research, because that takes time ‘n’ shiz, as does sourcing images, so, as with the best news reporting organisations we have just recycled some unrelated stock images from the archives. Do we look bothered?
So, a plane has gone missing on the way to Beijing, and no-one knows what’s happened or where it is. It went off the radar about three days ago and there has been no information since. Apparently two people boarded using stolen passports and have been described as “not Asian”, which really narrows it down. We have been watching for a while, and if there are updates we will update you. In the meanwhile if you have ever met someone who is “not Asian”, don’t act weird around them, they probably didn’t do anything.
News reports have been tactfully pussyfooting around the situation in the Ukraine, being very careful not to pass judgement or say anything that may be seen as forming any sort of opinion. So obviously we won’t either, because we want to be like everyone else. We aren’t going to talk about how lovely the Winter Olympics are whilst completely ignoring the arrested people who did some protesting or other general human rights violations, because we are just going to generally gloss over the whole thing. We certainly aren’t going to bring up the fact that the Gawker reported that Pussy Riot were detained again. We have put a link there though, in case you want to look yourselves.
Also, the UK won their first ever Paralympic Gold Medal in skiing, which is nice. If we’re going to be over there we may as well take home gold.
Much like the badger cull, which lacked significant evidence to proceed, and had limited success because those bloody cunning badgers moved the goal posts, the government’s argument towards limiting immigration seems to have limited (no?) evidence to support it. Apparently no-one is taking our jobs… who knew? A report stating this was not published, but The Mirror seems to have dug it up, so you can have a look. Maybe the immigrants moved the goal posts, or maybe the right-wing propaganda machine simply isn’t what it was.
By popular demand, we’re getting some spring-like weather, and it’s about effing time. (Sorry–I don’t do gratitude very well.) Unfortunately, Uggs-wearers have not gotten the memo. So if you have a friend who wears those hideous things, drop a hint, wouldya?
Along with the marginal improvement in New Yorkers’ attitudes, Spring inevitably brings another NYC staple: fornicating pigeons. It’s as Big Apple as public urination, but visitors don’t seem to embrace either of those things as an essential part of the tourism experience. Solution? Include this in the @I_LOVE_NY advertisements. You’re welcome.
Good news: looks like temps will stay in the 40s for the next 10 days, even going up to 55 on Tuesday. Look for a buff bronze brother enjoying a salad at the outside seating section of Cafe Fiorello if my body double can work for me that day and if Fiorello’s changes its stupid “no bovines” rule.
It's 12 noon: LET THERE BE LENTILS.
— The Wall Street Bull (@TheWallStBull) March 10, 2014
We have a new weather segment here on Newsnibbles, as do all the best news reporting… thingies… Our brand new “Weather Correspondent” is @TheWallStBull ! Excitings. His première report is below, along with a “selfie” wot he took of himself. We are hoping that each weather report will be accompanied by an appropriately weathered picture… see what we did there?
So when I heard that a crippling storm was predicted for my home-town, I knew that I’d had enough of the stupid winter weather ruining our lives. I assumed an aggressive stance with my sharp horns pointed upwards and dared the weather to hit us as hard as it could. Not surprisingly, it ran off crying like a little baby, leaving just a dusting of snow–barely enough to make the city streets look temporarily clean. #punkass
Have you been wondering why we haven’t
posted for a while? Well, it’s because there is nothing interesting happening. But, just in case you missed us, here is a list of things the news has been covering of late.
Have you noticed that it’s been raining here in the UK? Well, for our foreign readers, yes, it has been fairly rainy here in the the United Kingdom. If residents were incapable of looking up to the sky and saying “golly gosh, it’s precipitating today” it has been covered on the news, daily. OK, so there have been some big waves, and there have been floods, but mostly, we have been talking about rain. Rest assured that had it snowed we would be talking about that, and in the summer there will be a heat wave and hosepipe bans, because, despite all this rain no-one will have thought to stock up on water. Nope. On that note, weather can be dangerous, and people have been warned to stay away from big waves etc. This warning does not deter the BBC reporters though, oh no. Whilst standing, resolutely on the sea wall the intrepid reporter tells us that everyone has been warned not to stand on the sea wall because the waves are super big! Does working for the BBC make you suddenly immortal, or is the life insurance really good? Surely the message could have come across just as well from the studio? Why risk a reporter, they’re expensive. It’s like when they put the weather presenter out in the snow to prove it’s snowing. We don’t need to torment them, we’ll look out the window and spot it. Let them stay in the warm BBC. It’s cruel!
Kate Middleton Was in a Play
On BBC breakfast this morning it was reported that some newspaper or other (the theme of this post dictates that we simply don’t care about the specifics) has discovered pictures of Kate Middleton (the Duchess of Cambridge for those American readers who think all that stuff is quaint) was in a school play when she was eleven. If we didn’t care about the Royal Baby we most certainly don’t care about this. You will find it difficult to believe just how little we care. Actually not at all. But apparently this is big news. The breakfast reporters discussed it in great length about how the current generation cannot expect to have any secrets with all the Facebooking blah blah blah. Then some random chap in a in a shirt, roll neck jumper and a sports jacket (are the beeb cutting down on the heating bills? Maybe they should stop putting their reporters in such precarious positions and then the insurance premiums would go down) saying how ironic it is that she was playing Eliza Doolittle. Has he seen My Fair Lady? Clearly not. And also, NO-ONE CARES!!! She was in a play! Big bloody deal! It’s hardly scandalous is it? It’s not like she was in a biker gang and has left a large hairy ex called Bubba who has her face tattooed to his chest with Kate4eves underneath. Even if that was the case we wouldn’t care, but it’s not. She was in a play. Big whoop.
The Olympic Ring
Now, whilst we care that we have sent our reporters and athletes to a country with questionable human rights policies we DO NOT CARE that the 6th ring did not light up during the opening ceremony and they used dress rehearsal footage to broadcast to make it look better. We just don’t care. Let’s focus on that because heaven forbid we focus on something that actually matters like the prisoners of conscience or their anti-gay laws. That would ruin our enjoyment of the sports wouldn’t it? Let’s just talk about the ring and the fact that it didn’t like properly, or, here’s an idea, LET’S NOT!!!