Monday Mystery Mime

Yup, as you know we like to start the week with a mystery, and our friends Feathers and Toast are happy to oblige. All you need to do is guess what it is, and post your answer in the comments.  If you win, Tallulah will perform the mime of your choosing.*

And congratulations to last week’s winners, with Daffodil Blooming were Michele Morrison and Linda Henderson Eubanks.  Your mime of choice will be performed shortly.

*To enter go to the Youtube page where the mime originated and post your answer in the comments section. If commenting on Youtube is too complicated you can post a comment here, but Youtube comments will get priority. The winner will be chosen at random from all of the correct entries. Any obscene entries or suggestions will be disqualified and the user blocked. Newsnibbles and Feathers and Toast reserve the right to disqualify any entry they deem unsuitable, without explanation. The closing date for entries is Friday 17th March 2017, 00:00 EST

 

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Calls for Fearless Girl to Remain on Wall Street

To celebrate International Women’s Day,* a bronze statue of a little girl, hands on hips, facing down the mighty bull has appeared.  Originally only billed to remain for a week, there has been a cry for her to become permanent.  Officials have already bowed to pressure from the public and extended her stay until April 2nd, and there is a petition to make her stay permanent.

It is ironic that a statue celebrating female power was originally only billed to remain for a week, demonstrating society’s willingness to acknowledge that there is a divide, but unwillingness to make a permanent change.  The outcry from people wanting to make her a static feature is certainly a step in the right direction, although the man photographed humping the statue, shows we have a long way to go…

Upon being asked to comment on how he feels about his new neighbour, The Wall Street Bull told Newsnibbles;

I can’t even remember what it was like before she was here. She’s the yang to my yin.

If you have met the bull, you will know he is a feminist, and will be very supportive of sharing his space with this symbol of female empowerment.

 


*Yes, there is also an international men’s day, Google it before you start bitching, you should really moan that there’s no international clueless pillock’s day, because that’s your day, really, no-one cares, shut up.

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Monday Mystery Mime

It’s that time of the week again, when we confront you with a mystery.  Our friends at Feathers and Toast produce a weekly mystery mime, and if you are clever enough to guess correctly, the Tallulah will perform the mime of your choosing.*

No-one guessed last week’s mime, so there were no winners.  It was the red carpet being vacuumed after the event. Who even knew they did that? Ah well, better luck this week, eh?

 

*To enter go to the Youtube page where the mime originated and post your answer in the comments section. If commenting on Youtube is too complicated you can post a comment here, but Youtube comments will get priority. The winner will be chosen at random from all of the correct entries. Any obscene entries or suggestions will be disqualified and the user blocked. Newsnibbles and Feathers and Toast reserve the right to disqualify any entry they deem unsuitable, without explanation. The closing date for entries is Friday 10th March 2017, 00:00 EST.

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The Grumpy Badger Guide to Writing Erotica

Grumpy Badger guides are going to be a new section of Newsnibbles, where Badger will write “How To” guides on request.

Having mentioned to several friends that I have now inadvertently ended up editing not one, but TWO erotica novels, (not on purpose, not my genre of choice, I did not need to know ANY of that about the authors’ inner workings), I now feel that I am amply qualified to write a how to guide, on producing an erotic novel.

For the purposes of this guide I will be using examples from a fictional novel

Cover Model: Chimp Jones

that is from my brain, set at a livery yard, called Broken Bareback.  Should you enjoy these examples, I could be persuaded to write and release it as a proper book, or at least short story.  Let me know in the comments.  Obviously my examples will be X Rated, so if you are under 18, please stop reading now, and come back when you’re old enough.  Thank you.

I would also like to add that Broken Bareback is pure fiction, from the slightly deranged mind of a badger, and any resemblance to people, places of business or actual events are purely coincidental.

So, without further a do, here is the Grumpy Badger Guide to Writing Erotica.

The Heroine Must Always Be a Virgin

This seems to be the most important and unbreakable rule to writing erotica.  She must never have known the touch of a man (or a woman, depending on what type of erotica you are reading).  There can be as many unrealistic reasons for this as you like, but it’s a rule.

All Characters Have Facial Features

And must be described by them, it’s only fair, you need to know about face, eyes and lips, not necessarily in that order.

Tell Don’t Show

You hear authors and writing teachers say all the time, “show, don’t tell”, but the opposite is true for erotica.  Only take opportunities to show if you have no other options. And lay as much background out at the beginning as you can.

See below for examples of these points from the opening paragraph of Broken Bareback.

Eva sat at her desk, tapping away at her computer. She pursed her cherry red, plump lips thoughtfully.  Blinking her ocean blue eyes she stared at the screen, twisting her corn coloured hair around her finger.  Despite being in her early 40s, she had never known the touch of a man.  Being brought up in the convent, she had only had the nuns for company until the age of 36, and been quite contented with the company of God.  However, a recent unrealistic tax hike on right wing religious organisations had meant that, in order to help support her sisters Eva had been forced to get a job administrating the yard.  As most horse owners are women, Eva had not been troubled by any male attention whatsoever in her four years in the office.  In what was a weird, yet in no way unrealistic coincidence, all contractors, delivery people and even the farrier were female.

You see here, how, although we’re only a paragraph in, we already know that Eva has eyes, hair and lips, and has never known the touch of a man, and is a good religious girl (middle aged woman). We know she is ripe for the plucking, and we are set up nicely, which brings us onto our next points:

There Must be a Promiscuous Best Friend

There has to be an adviser to the heroine, someone she trusts, someone with experience who knows how it’s done.  Someone she shares her most intimate thoughts and desires with.  Someone, who’s been around the block a few times.  Enter, the promiscuous best friend:

Lela slammed the office door and bounced in.  Her dyed blue hair shone in the florescent office lighting, her thin lips spread wide in a grin, and her dark brown eyes sparkled with the glow of someone who had recently had sex.  Lots of sex.

“Guess who I did last night!” She grinned, spinning Eva around on her chair.

“Who?” Eva smiled patiently at her friend.  In the four years they’d known each other they had had no secrets, and Eva had held Lela’s hand through numerous STD treatments.

“Who didn’t I do?” Lela said triumphantly, collapsing back in her chair.

The Hero Must Be Manly

Even if the love interest is a woman, she/he must have archetypal man traits, such as confidence verging on arrogance, a commanding “take charge” attitude, and behaviour that verges on controlling, because apparently, that’s sexy.  He must conflict with the heroine initially, before she quickly realises she wants him to own her.

Enter Hubert:

Hubert strode into the office, his jodhpurs bulging with manly assertiveness.  He wore leather knee length boots, a fitted tweed jacket and carried a whip.  His red hair shone with the colour of fire and passion, and there was a sadness in his eyes that suggested he’d been hurt in the past.  He slammed his whip down hard on Eva’s desk.

“I have been waiting here 2o minutes!” He said furiously.  “I am accustomed to being obeyed.  I have not met a filly I cannot break, yet you keep me waiting!”

“I am not keeping you waiting,” Eva snapped back.  “We are waiting for the grooms to get the horse ready for you, since you’re too important to tack up your own damn horse!”

Sex Scenes Must always be a revelation

To both characters.  There is no room for average sexual experiences, they need to be epic and go on for hours longer than anyone could realistically survive.  Long after any mere mortal would have shoved him off and said “come on, I have work tomorrow” our heroic couple is still going strong.  I won’t be quoting a sex scene here, as anyone could ignore my 18+ warning.  If you want the sex scene, better get commenting for the full length release (no pun intended).

Never Use the Actual Word, Where a Synonym will do just fine.

You want to discuss the penis in great detail, but never use the word penis, if you can possibly avoid it.  Examples could be shaft, member, man staff, control rod, sword, sabre, in fact, anything that pokes.  Same applies for lady parts, but they need to be less weapon like, her moist creases, or furry lips?! Yeah, it’s tough, but you’re writing erotica, people, suck it up! (no pun intended).

Erections as Sexy, and in No Way Disturbing

You might think your hero has a medical condition, wandering around with a permanent hardon, but no, this shows how attractive your heroine is, and is thus very sexy.  Similarly, she could constantly need underwear padding to compensate for the moistening effects he has on her.

See, the first passionate encounter:

Eva pressed her back against the wall of the tack room, breathing heavily.  If it hadn’t been for Hubert arriving when he had, that attacker could have killed her.  Her hold body was shaking.  She gasped as the door creaked open.

“Are you alright?” he asked, coming so close that she could feel his breath on her face.  The bulge in his jodhpurs was palpable, as he pressed himself against her.  She felt her heart beat faster as she clung to a saddle for support, her underwear moistened.

“He could have killed me, or worse,” she swallowed hard.

“He’s gone now,”  Hubert’s breath was almost as quick as her own as he brushed a strand of corn coloured hair away from her face.  “Everyone’s gone, it’s just us…”

“I’m not sure the nuns would approve…” she breathed as his tongue slipped free from his lips and made its way, serpent like to hers.

“I hope not,” he said, and penetrated her lips with his speech instrument.

Eva gasped, it was so unexpected, the sensation of another person in her mouth, yet the warm smoothness of his tongue was both comforting and exciting.  Soon she found herself penetrating him with equal zeal, her whole body tingling with excitement from his touch.  After what seemed like an eternity he pulled away and stepped back.

“Well, I must say goodnight,” he said calmly, and left, the protrusion in his jodhpurs the only sign that he wanted to stay.

Eva slid down the wall, gasping for breath, all she could feel was a yearning that she didn’t understand.  Why did he leave her?

There are no coincidences in erotica

You may think that Eva’s escaping attack in the earlier paragraph was just a technique with which to initiate first sexual contact with Hubert.  No, this also needs to be integral to the plot as a whole, and we need some ridiculous device whereby our heroine is kidnapped, and requires rescuing.  Erotica requires both damsels and heroes.

“I understand,” Lela hung up the phone and looked at Hubert.

“Well?” he asked urgently. “Is she ill?”

“No,” Lela chose her words carefully. “She’s been taken.”

“Taken? What do you mean taken?”

“They want that racehorse back,” she said quietly.  “The one you won in that card game, if they don’t get it, they’ll kill Eva!”

“They can’t have it!” Hubert sounded panicked.  “I sold it on, it’s in America!”

“God damn you Hubert!” Lela snapped. “Why did you have to pick Eva?  You could have any woman you wanted, why her?”

“Because she’s perfect,” he breathed.  “Don’t worry, Lela, we’ll get her back!” He said decisively. “Call the yard, tell them to saddle my horse, I’m bringing her home!”

Sex Sells, Always Leave Room for a Sequel, or 12.

Make sure you leave it on a cliffhanger, there’s always room for more erotica at a later date, after all, the money’s in the sequels (and the film deals).

Lela chewed her biro seductively as she watched the exchange between Hubert and Eva.  She wondered if there would be room for one more in the relationship.  When the passionate kiss ended, Hubert mounted his steed and galloped off into the sunset.

“Are you OK?” Lela asked as Eva returned.

“Of course,” Eva smiled at her friend.  “You can’t keep a man like Hubert in one place too long, he yearns to be free.  But don’t worry, I have a feeling we’ll see him again.”

If you enjoyed this Grumpy Badger Guide, and feel that there is another genre that could benefit from similar treatment, then get in touch.  If you would like to read Broken Bareback in its entirety, then comment below.  If there’s enough interest, I could maybe be persuaded to write it…

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Monday Mystery Mime

We have decided that time is fluid, and therefore we will continue calling this the Monday Mystery Mime, regardless of what day we post it.

So, you know the drill, guess the mime, guess it right you get the mime of your choosing performed.*

No-one was able to correctly guess last week’s mime, which was a car being pulled into a sink hole.  Maybe you’ll have better luck this time.

*To enter go to the Youtube page where the mime originated and post your answer in the comments section. If commenting on Youtube is too complicated you can post a comment here, but Youtube comments will get priority. The winner will be chosen at random from all of the correct entries. Any obscene entries or suggestions will be disqualified and the user blocked. Newsnibbles and Feathers and Toast reserve the right to disqualify any entry they deem unsuitable, without explanation. The closing date for entries is Friday 3rd March 2017, 00:00 EST.

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Writing is NOT Free

Yes, it’s come to that.  I’m having a rant.  You know you love it.

I am utterly sick of people thinking that writing is a hobby and the thrill of being published is enough to get you hand over your hard work and dance a little jig of glee! NO! Writing is a marketable skill! If it wasn’t you wouldn’t need to outsource it, you’d just do it.  Stop selling it as “experience”, or “exposure”.  You wouldn’t ask a plumber to come and fix your boiler for free, telling them it’d be great experience fixing future boilers, would you? Why? Because you want an experienced professional that you know will get the job done.

Writing’s no different, you pay for what you get.  If you get a good writer they pay for themselves, quality content improves visibility on your site and therefore your product.  Your website is a reflection of you and your business, and is often the first impression new clients receive.  Do you want to make a good first impression, or do you want to give someone “exposure” and save some money?

If we were living in the universe of Star Trek: The Next Generation, then money would be immaterial, and we would all do what we were passionate about whilst the world provided for our needs.  We don’t.  We live in a capitalist society, where the rich get richer by starving the poor, and making them do unpaid internships so as not to impact their profit margins.  Unpaid internships are wrong, and so is expecting a skilled professional to work for free.  You want to make money? Well, so do we.  If we are working in another job, because writing doesn’t pay, then we aren’t available during business hours to discuss your project.  Our time is valuable, expect to compensate us accordingly.

Which neatly brings me on to “free book?”  NOOO!  I have spent the better part of a year, writing, rewriting, editing, reediting, formatting and marketing my book.  I’ve arranged a launch party, bought in paper copies and arranged reviewers.  Why should I then give you a FREE BOOK?  That book is a year’s worth of work.  I deserve to be paid accordingly.  I am an excellent writer, you know that, that’s why you asked for a free book, but why do you get it for free? What did you do to deserve a free book?  Would you go into a cafe and say “free coffee?” No, so why is my book of no value?  I appreciate that with the rise of self publishing it is easier for inexperienced writers to sell what is frankly, poorly written, poorly conceived and poorly edited work to the masses, and that sometimes it’s difficult to tell them apart, but that’s what the 20% sample is for.  You get 20% for free, then, if you think it’s good, and you’re enjoying it, you pay for it.  Here’s a tip, if you want to read on after 20%, it’s worth paying for.  If it’s rubbish, you can move on to another book.  Usually you know by the first chapter if it’s going to float your boat or not, be honest.

Arts funding has been cut substantially in recent years, and the constant barrage of free stuff on the internet only serves to devalue the efforts of artists.  So, why not take a stand?  If you like a book, a song or a painting, pay the artist, they gave you pleasure, they deserve it.

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Monday Mystery Mime

That’s right, Nibblers, it’s that time of the week again, when the superbly talented Tallulah Grace, of Feathers and Toast fame supplies us with our weekly mystery mime.  In order to win the ultimate prize of having Tallulah perform the mime of your choosing, simply tell us what the mime below is!*

And congratulations to last week’s winners; Richard Goldman and Andrea Schmidt with eagle soaring!! …officially eagle soaring and then swooping down for its catch, but as always it’s the taking part that counts, so well done.

**To enter go to the Youtube page where the mime originated and post your answer in the comments section. If commenting on Youtube is too complicated you can post a comment here, but Youtube comments will get priority. The winner will be chosen at random from all of the correct entries. Any obscene entries or suggestions will be disqualified and the user blocked. Newsnibbles and Feathers and Toast reserve the right to disqualify any entry they deem unsuitable, without explanation. The closing date for entries is Friday 24th February 2017, 00:00 EST.

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Monday Mystery Mime

It’s that time of the week again.  The time when our partners in mime, Feathers and Toast bring you a mystery to solve.  If you can guess the mystery mime, then Tallulah will perform the mime of your choice.*

**To enter go to the Youtube page where the mime originated and post your answer in the comments section. If commenting on Youtube is too complicated you can post a comment here, but Youtube comments will get priority. The winner will be chosen at random from all of the correct entries. Any obscene entries or suggestions will be disqualified and the user blocked. Newsnibbles and Feathers and Toast reserve the right to disqualify any entry they deem unsuitable, without explanation. The closing date for entries is Friday 17th February 2017, 00:00 EST.

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Zombie Apocalypse in Europe!

We have been receiving unconfirmed reports that the world as we know it, is in fact, at an end.

There have been reports from Europe that a small cafe in Vienna has been besieged by zombies, who are trying to eat the brains of locals.  There have also been unconfirmed reports of earthquakes, and a horse with wings.

One source tells us that this unpleasant series of events was started by one man, who was playing on the internet when he should have been working.  Whilst we are yet to confirm, it seems likely, as that is what you are doing right now, isn’t it? ISN’T IT???

A random old woman who was laughing manically outside the cafe told our reporter:

None of this would have happened if he’d just kept it in his pants.  He knows it, but given the chance he’d do it all over again.  Not that anyone ever listens to me…

She went on to say something about how to stop this from happening, but we’d stopped listening by then.

Speaking exclusively to Newsnibbes, author Angelika Rust said:

It’s alternative facts, of course. You know, fiction.

But, since false is the new true, we’re covering it anyway.  Read the full story below.

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Monday Mystery Mime

It’s still Monday somewhere in the world, right? Well, we’re here again, it’s mystery mime time, brought to you by our friends at Feathers and Toast.  If you’ve been living under a rock, here’s the gist.  Celebrity chef and sandwich aficionado, Tallulah Grace performs a mime.  If you can guess what it is she will perform the mime of your choosing*, it’s as simple as that, so have a go.

Last week’s answer was a butterfly, and the closes guesses were Melissa Spors Hubbard and Judith Evans, with Eagle, so they get the mime of their choice performed.  See, you just need to try, have a go!

*To enter go to the Youtube page where the mime originated and post your answer in the comments section. If commenting on Youtube is too complicated you can post a comment here, but Youtube comments will get priority. The winner will be chosen at random from all of the correct entries. Any obscene entries or suggestions will be disqualified and the user blocked. Newsnibbles and Feathers and Toast reserve the right to disqualify any entry they deem unsuitable, without explanation. The closing date for entries is Friday 10th February 2017, 00:00 EST.

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