The big scandal covered in the Telegraph this week is that Gordon Ramsey, celebrity chef and star of Hell’s Kitchen has a little person porn double. Not only that, but said porn double was reported to have been found dead down a badger sett.
Well, when the reputation of badgers is under threat we at Newsnibbleshit serious investigative reporter mode. The first thing about
this story which did not quite ring true was the possible market for Ramsay porn. Whilst Hell’s Kitchen is undoubtedly a popular programme, with international appeal, would people be more inclined to watch it filmed in the nude. We surveyed a mixed demographic, including the fans and the wonderful world of Twitter. Allyson informed us that she “like[s] Gordon Ramsay, but I don’t fantasize about him. So maybe the problem is in your question, not in our lack of response.” From the Twittersphere Sian told us “Yep, I fantasize about filling the cracks in his face using a thickened crème anglaise and a palette knife. Weird I know!” Whilst we are not experts on the porn field, we suspect that this would be a niche market that would not be terribly profitable. The ever insightful Mr. Chimp told us “I don’t have any sexual feelings for him, nor would I if he were a three foot scale model of himself. It does make one think strongly about not crawling into places where one ought not to be though.”
This response forced us to question the statement that Percy Foster was earning “top dollar” as a Ramsay porn lookalike. Further investigation revealed that the original disturbing incident was reported in The Sunday Sport under the auspicious headline “Hell’s Titch Un”. The story itself was run with a picture of Percy, aka Joey dressed as a vicar, wearing a builder’s hat (as vicars do) receiving oral sex on a doorstep (as vicars tend not to) from an anonymous redhead. Our experts have examined the photograph and suggested that “it is possible the image has been photoshopped, the woman appears to be super imposed in my view.”
Of course, his view is only what we can afford to pay for, so we Googled Percy, and his alleged co-star in the film “Sonia Splitarse”, but all we could find was reports of badger/Ramsay/porn scandal, which has obviously had so many hits it has taken over everything else in the rankings. One story we did uncover a report that suggests death by badger was “greatly exaggerated”. The reporter claims that:
“No, the story isn’t true, but do you realize what this means? Three weeks ago, The Sunday Sport ran their initial piece on Percy Foster. Since he’s not actually a porn star as far as anyone can tell, it means they probably found a dwarf who looked like Gordon Ramsay, and decided that wasn’t juicy enough, so they cooked up a story about him being a porn star. Complete with the fake quote.”
Whilst his search in the Internet Adult Film Database revealed no data for Percy, our search did uncover “Joey” (linked above) who spares a striking resemblance to the nonexistent Percy, but whose biography is oddly sparse. For someone who, according to the quote in the Sport, has their main form of income dependent on their diminutive stature, one would assume that at least that would be listed. Searching the database for “Sonia Splitarse” revealed no results, but then, perhaps, as the report suggests this is “not her real name.”
The Huffington Post went further still, and telephoned the local police in the area where the badger eaten body was allegedly discovered. They had no record of the event, which you would think they would really, given that the picture run with The Sport’s story included a photograph of forensic investigators. Our photograph is a cat. It is also a cat lookalike.
Our sources tell us that badgers tend to prefer to dine on hedgehogs or slugs, and have rarely, if ever eaten porn actors. We hope this report goes some way to restore their reputation.