In this weekly advice column, Bee addresses your letters and problems with what she believes is the best solution for you.
Dear Bee,
Thank you for responding to my dog’s email. Since she’s had a Facebook account she has emailed many people on many
topics. You are the only person to acknowledge her thus far, and on an issue that has, to date, been tearing the family apart. We have taken your advice, and attached a photo of Maisie in her new gown. Whilst this has reduced the amount of manure she ingests, it has created a new problem. Now when she rolls in fox excrement the dry cleaning bills are extortionate. It is also quite embarrassing having to explain to the dry cleaner what the stain is that we require cleaning. Any advice you have on this topic would be most appreciated.
Sincerely,
Perplexed Pet Owner.
Dear Perplexed Pet Owner,
I am delighted to have been of service to your family in this most trying time. May I say that Maisie looks stunningly resplendent in her gown, it really accentuates her figure. I had hoped that the feeling of elegance that comes from outfitting oneself in a garment of exceptional quality would dissuade her entirely from entering the realm of manure. However, one does not easily make a silk purse from a sow’s ear, and often times additional measures are required. Luckily I know just the thing. As I have often said, one is never fully dressed if one fails to maintain proper posture. In America, models are often trained to walk with their back straight and chin uplifted by balancing a book on their heads. I believe that if Maisie were to incorporate this technique into her daily perambles, the results would be twofold. Not only would she soon have an erect carriage that would be the envy of all other canines, but by endeavouring to keep the book properly balanced, she would not be able to look down and espy the forbidden fruit. With her full concentration focused on the book she will pass by and leave the poo undisturbed. If you are in need of an appropriate tome, I can make further recommendations…
Dear Bee,
I’m getting back into the dating game (after a few decades out of it!), and could do with some advise.
Is a well trimmed ‘Lady Garden’ acceptable these days? I really don’t fancy completely shaving down there. Not to mention the terrible itching when it grows back!
Please could you let me know whats acceptable and maybe any useful tips when meeting the opposite sex.Yours faithfully,
Anonymous Singleton
Dear Anonymous Singleton,
I am glad you found the courage to write in about this very challenging issue that millions of women wonder about in secrecy everyday. It is indeed an area where most of us are left to fend for ourselves as the current trends are not featured in the pages of Vogue magazine. In pondering how best to advise you, a book from my earlier days was brought to mind. As a youthful Bee, I too had a delicate question on which I pondered many an evening alone in my bedroom, but lacked the courage to speak aloud. Fortunately I stumbled upon an instructional manuscript that provided me the information I sought: How to Kiss with Confidence. And one of the first dictums of HTKWC was: “Be neat, clean, and kissable at all times.” Now while my concern was different than the one you face currently, I think this same advice can be applied. In matters of beauty and grooming, we all have our own particular styles. Some of us like a little sparkle, others take a more minimalist approach. But as long as you bear in mind the directive to keep yourself neat and clean, the further particulars can be left to individual discretion.
Bee
