Caught Short is the new weekly serial to be gracing Newsnibbles. Do let us know what you think. If it isn’t popular we will probably cancel it – that’s what all the cool publications do these days.
Scene: Top Secret Headquarters of the Super Heroes Alliance. Green Man has just returned from a night of keying Rolls Royces,
and he’s brought a hostage who is now tied to a chair. The Alliance is discussing the best course of action.
The Pink Fairy: Look, I’m not judging you. I’ve been there myself. We all go out at night and bring someone home we regret, but why is he tied to a chair? Just give him a fake number and send him on his way.
Green Man: Would you please stop waving your wand at me? He is not a date, he’s a hostage. He was lurking in the shadows behind our top secret HQ, and I suspect he works for Big Mamma.
Germ Girl: He doesn’t look very clean to me… couldn’t you have just chained him up outside while we decide what to do?
The Urinater: I can make him talk, just leave him to me!
All: NO!
Hostage: Look, I don’t know who you people are, but I didn’t see nothing, honest, so you can just let me go, OK?
Germ Girl: If you didn’t see nothing, then you must have seen something, tell us what you know and we might think about letting you go.
Hostage: Who are you, Pedantic Girl? Just let me go, before you regret it.
A rock cake flies through the air and bounces off the hostage’s head, there is a loud bang andKatie Cakes appears.
Katie Cakes: She’s Germ Girl, and I’m Katie Cakes, and we will be the last people you see unless you start talking and I mean NOW B@tch! [As she is speaking she is tossing a rock cake menacingly]
Hostage: I don’t know nothing I tells you! You freaks won’t get anything from me!
Katie Cakes: [Moves very close and prods her whipped cream can under the hostage’s chin] Listen to me very carefully indeed, or I’m gunna stop being nice to you, do you understand?
Hostage: Gulps
Katie Cakes: You are going to tell us how you found our top secret HQ, and how much Big Mamma knows, and you’re gunna do it fast, cos my finger’s getting tired. All I have to do is release the pressure, and this cream will explode, making quite the mess.
Germ Girl: Oh for the love of God, tell her what she wants to know, I’ve only just cleaned the floor.
The Urinater: I’ll make him talk, just leave him to me.
All: NO!
Green Man: If he doesn’t start talking soon I vote we let The Urinater have her way. I’ve got a Party meeting in an hour, and my pants are really starting to chafe.
Germ Girl: Oh alright. I’ll go and get me marigolds.
Katie Cakes: You hear that Twinky? Last chance to talk to me, then my less nice friend gets to talk to you.
Hostage: You got nothing on Big Mamma. Nothing you do can scare me, bring it on.
The Urinater: Oh I was sooo hoping you’d say that. Step to one side Katie, you don’t want to get caught in the fall out.
The Pink Fairy: Best come behind the sofa with us K, her aim has never been great!
Hostage: [Starting to shift and struggle in his chair] What’s she gunna do?
The Urinater: I don’t like doing this, it’s messy and it gives me a bit of a rash. Are you gunna tell us what we want to know or not?
Hostage: I’ll never tell you anything! [As he finishes he is hit with a powerful blast from the Urinater]
The Pink Fairy: [Prodding a flashing green light that has just appeared on the hostage’s chest with his wand] What’s that?
The Urinater: That’s a tracking device, the acid has made it visible.
Hostage: That’s right heroes! Big Mamma knows exactly where your top secret HQ is now, and she’ll be here to rescue me at any minute!
To be continued….
Caught Short is brought to you from the author of A Reason to Stay
I smell a radio pkay…..