Dear Bee,
I am writing because I understand you have a great deal of experience
in affairs of the heart and I’m hoping that you can help me with my
problem. For some time now I have been conducting a flirtation with a
shark. I dismissed his disinterest as simply “playing it cool” and
occasionally he would say little things that would leave me with the
hope that we may have a future together. In recent months however his
attitude towards me has become more hostile and I started to wonder if
I was imagining his previous flirtations in my desperate wish to be
loved. During this time I have become acquainted with a celebrity
cat. At first it was just a harmless flirtation, after all, what on
earth would a top celebrity feline see in an obese creature such as I?
But things have developed. He is very open about his feelings and he
sent me a Valentine’s card. Now the Shark is acting jealous and I
don’t know where I am. It’s possible that the whole thing with the
cat is one big joke, and I don’t know what I’m doing. Do you have any
advice on how to deal with such a complex emotional situation?
Yours
Gram Budge Pry
Dear Gram,
You have come to the right place. Matters of a romantic nature are exceedingly tricky, and best observed through an impartial eye. Things get even more challenging with inter species romance, because each communicates in its own special way, which may not always be clear to an “outsider.” Is this shark quite rich? I have often found that great wealth can isolate a person (and here I use person as a generic cross-species term) from his peers and make him distrustful of those around him. Perhaps he has become closed off and fears you are only interested in the financial stability he could provide.
But I think the larger issue, and, indeed, the solution, lies within you Gram. I sense a lack of confidence on your part and, as you put it, “a desperation to be loved.” You will never have a successful intimate relationship with a creature of any species until you overcome these roadblocks. We must love ourselves first before we can expect others to do so. I also find, especially in the early stages of courtship, that overeagerness can be a turn off to prospective mates. In my youth here in America, there was a television commercial I was particularly fond of. It’s message was as follows: “Never pick up the phone on the first ring. never say you’ll be “right over.” And never let them see you sweat.” Now this commercial was for deodorant, so you can see a bit of a bias there, but I think the sentiments have a universal application. Play coy with these fellows. Wait to see if they come to you. Focus on what they have to offer you, rather than fretting about pleasing them. Look in the mirror every morning and say ‘I am an animal of great worth!” (note: not girth, this will not have the desired effect.) See yourself as the spectacular person you are, and the fellows will be falling at your feet. And when the time comes when a lucky cat or shark or hippopotamus wants to take you as his bride, do write back as I feel I could be of special assistance in outfitting you and your quadruped bridal party.
Bee
Do you have a problem that only Bee could help with? Wht not email her, bee@newsnibbles.co.uk
Dear Bee,
I’ve been getting very dirty of late. I just seem to pick up smut everywhere. I’ve tried scrubbing and polishing myself, but I just can’t seem to get clean. Do you have any tips for removing dirty stains that won’t fade my hue?
Moomin
(You can take the pic from Facebook)