The Grumpy Badger Guide to Writing Erotica

Grumpy Badger guides are going to be a new section of Newsnibbles, where Badger will write “How To” guides on request.

Having mentioned to several friends that I have now inadvertently ended up editing not one, but TWO erotica novels, (not on purpose, not my genre of choice, I did not need to know ANY of that about the authors’ inner workings), I now feel that I am amply qualified to write a how to guide, on producing an erotic novel.

For the purposes of this guide I will be using examples from a fictional novel

that is from my brain, set at a livery yard, called Broken Bareback.  Should you enjoy these examples, I could be persuaded to write and release it as a proper book, or at least short story.  Let me know in the comments.  Obviously my examples will be X Rated, so if you are under 18, please stop reading now, and come back when you’re old enough.  Thank you.

I would also like to add that Broken Bareback is pure fiction, from the slightly deranged mind of a badger, and any resemblance to people, places of business or actual events are purely coincidental.

So, without further a do, here is the Grumpy Badger Guide to Writing Erotica.

The Heroine Must Always Be a Virgin

This seems to be the most important and unbreakable rule to writing erotica.  She must never have known the touch of a man (or a woman, depending on what type of erotica you are reading).  There can be as many unrealistic reasons for this as you like, but it’s a rule.

All Characters Have Facial Features

And must be described by them, it’s only fair, you need to know about face, eyes and lips, not necessarily in that order.

Tell Don’t Show

You hear authors and writing teachers say all the time, “show, don’t tell”, but the opposite is true for erotica.  Only take opportunities to show if you have no other options. And lay as much background out at the beginning as you can.

See below for examples of these points from the opening paragraph of Broken Bareback.

Eva sat at her desk, tapping away at her computer. She pursed her cherry red, plump lips thoughtfully.  Blinking her ocean blue eyes she stared at the screen, twisting her corn coloured hair around her finger.  Despite being in her early 40s, she had never known the touch of a man.  Being brought up in the convent, she had only had the nuns for company until the age of 36, and been quite contented with the company of God.  However, a recent unrealistic tax hike on right wing religious organisations had meant that, in order to help support her sisters Eva had been forced to get a job administrating the yard.  As most horse owners are women, Eva had not been troubled by any male attention whatsoever in her four years in the office.  In what was a weird, yet in no way unrealistic coincidence, all contractors, delivery people and even the farrier were female.

You see here, how, although we’re only a paragraph in, we already know that Eva has eyes, hair and lips, and has never known the touch of a man, and is a good religious girl (middle aged woman). We know she is ripe for the plucking, and we are set up nicely, which brings us onto our next points:

There Must be a Promiscuous Best Friend

There has to be an adviser to the heroine, someone she trusts, someone with experience who knows how it’s done.  Someone she shares her most intimate thoughts and desires with.  Someone, who’s been around the block a few times.  Enter, the promiscuous best friend:

Lela slammed the office door and bounced in.  Her dyed blue hair shone in the florescent office lighting, her thin lips spread wide in a grin, and her dark brown eyes sparkled with the glow of someone who had recently had sex.  Lots of sex.

“Guess who I did last night!” She grinned, spinning Eva around on her chair.

“Who?” Eva smiled patiently at her friend.  In the four years they’d known each other they had had no secrets, and Eva had held Lela’s hand through numerous STD treatments.

“Who didn’t I do?” Lela said triumphantly, collapsing back in her chair.

The Hero Must Be Manly

Even if the love interest is a woman, she/he must have archetypal man traits, such as confidence verging on arrogance, a commanding “take charge” attitude, and behaviour that verges on controlling, because apparently, that’s sexy.  He must conflict with the heroine initially, before she quickly realises she wants him to own her.

Enter Hubert:

Hubert strode into the office, his jodhpurs bulging with manly assertiveness.  He wore leather knee length boots, a fitted tweed jacket and carried a whip.  His red hair shone with the colour of fire and passion, and there was a sadness in his eyes that suggested he’d been hurt in the past.  He slammed his whip down hard on Eva’s desk.

“I have been waiting here 2o minutes!” He said furiously.  “I am accustomed to being obeyed.  I have not met a filly I cannot break, yet you keep me waiting!”

“I am not keeping you waiting,” Eva snapped back.  “We are waiting for the grooms to get the horse ready for you, since you’re too important to tack up your own damn horse!”

Sex Scenes Must always be a revelation

To both characters.  There is no room for average sexual experiences, they need to be epic and go on for hours longer than anyone could realistically survive.  Long after any mere mortal would have shoved him off and said “come on, I have work tomorrow” our heroic couple is still going strong.  I won’t be quoting a sex scene here, as anyone could ignore my 18+ warning.  If you want the sex scene, better get commenting for the full length release (no pun intended).

Never Use the Actual Word, Where a Synonym will do just fine.

You want to discuss the penis in great detail, but never use the word penis, if you can possibly avoid it.  Examples could be shaft, member, man staff, control rod, sword, sabre, in fact, anything that pokes.  Same applies for lady parts, but they need to be less weapon like, her moist creases, or furry lips?! Yeah, it’s tough, but you’re writing erotica, people, suck it up! (no pun intended).

Erections as Sexy, and in No Way Disturbing

You might think your hero has a medical condition, wandering around with a permanent hardon, but no, this shows how attractive your heroine is, and is thus very sexy.  Similarly, she could constantly need underwear padding to compensate for the moistening effects he has on her.

See, the first passionate encounter:

Eva pressed her back against the wall of the tack room, breathing heavily.  If it hadn’t been for Hubert arriving when he had, that attacker could have killed her.  Her hold body was shaking.  She gasped as the door creaked open.

“Are you alright?” he asked, coming so close that she could feel his breath on her face.  The bulge in his jodhpurs was palpable, as he pressed himself against her.  She felt her heart beat faster as she clung to a saddle for support, her underwear moistened.

“He could have killed me, or worse,” she swallowed hard.

“He’s gone now,”  Hubert’s breath was almost as quick as her own as he brushed a strand of corn coloured hair away from her face.  “Everyone’s gone, it’s just us…”

“I’m not sure the nuns would approve…” she breathed as his tongue slipped free from his lips and made its way, serpent like to hers.

“I hope not,” he said, and penetrated her lips with his speech instrument.

Eva gasped, it was so unexpected, the sensation of another person in her mouth, yet the warm smoothness of his tongue was both comforting and exciting.  Soon she found herself penetrating him with equal zeal, her whole body tingling with excitement from his touch.  After what seemed like an eternity he pulled away and stepped back.

“Well, I must say goodnight,” he said calmly, and left, the protrusion in his jodhpurs the only sign that he wanted to stay.

Eva slid down the wall, gasping for breath, all she could feel was a yearning that she didn’t understand.  Why did he leave her?

There are no coincidences in erotica

You may think that Eva’s escaping attack in the earlier paragraph was just a technique with which to initiate first sexual contact with Hubert.  No, this also needs to be integral to the plot as a whole, and we need some ridiculous device whereby our heroine is kidnapped, and requires rescuing.  Erotica requires both damsels and heroes.

“I understand,” Lela hung up the phone and looked at Hubert.

“Well?” he asked urgently. “Is she ill?”

“No,” Lela chose her words carefully. “She’s been taken.”

“Taken? What do you mean taken?”

“They want that racehorse back,” she said quietly.  “The one you won in that card game, if they don’t get it, they’ll kill Eva!”

“They can’t have it!” Hubert sounded panicked.  “I sold it on, it’s in America!”

“God damn you Hubert!” Lela snapped. “Why did you have to pick Eva?  You could have any woman you wanted, why her?”

“Because she’s perfect,” he breathed.  “Don’t worry, Lela, we’ll get her back!” He said decisively. “Call the yard, tell them to saddle my horse, I’m bringing her home!”

Sex Sells, Always Leave Room for a Sequel, or 12.

Make sure you leave it on a cliffhanger, there’s always room for more erotica at a later date, after all, the money’s in the sequels (and the film deals).

Lela chewed her biro seductively as she watched the exchange between Hubert and Eva.  She wondered if there would be room for one more in the relationship.  When the passionate kiss ended, Hubert mounted his steed and galloped off into the sunset.

“Are you OK?” Lela asked as Eva returned.

“Of course,” Eva smiled at her friend.  “You can’t keep a man like Hubert in one place too long, he yearns to be free.  But don’t worry, I have a feeling we’ll see him again.”

If you enjoyed this Grumpy Badger Guide, and feel that there is another genre that could benefit from similar treatment, then get in touch.  If you would like to read Broken Bareback in its entirety, then comment below.  If there’s enough interest, I could maybe be persuaded to write it…