How To Boil Water Safely

So, to recap, Badger discovered Feathers and Toast – the best thing on Youtube.  She wrote a review, and Twitter stalked Tallulah into doing a Newsnibbles interview – never underestimate the power of social media, or a persistent badger.  You may remember that we also opened up the questions to you at home, and had a whole one response, which was very exciting.  You may recall that,

Judith from Bristol asked:

“When I boil water it gets incredibly hot, to the point that it is a health and safety concern. What am I doing wrong?”

Well, Tallulah has addressed the issue in her latest Vlog (it’s like a blog, but it’s a video, so it’s a Vlog. That’s really a thing, we didn’t make it up).

We hope you all find this video instructive and that it answers your questions.  Judith herself was so excited by the fact that a real internet celebrity had answered her question she immediately followed the advice in the film and submitted the following picture to the newsdask.

She also had a follow up question, which we submitted to Tallulah, which was:

Now that I am confident boiling water, should I leave my ice lollies frozen, or boil them?

And Tallulah responded as follows:

Oh darling. Well a reasonable question to be honest. I would say try both and see what you prefer. It’s a matter of taste when it comes to the ice lolly and no woman should be ridiculed for wanting it her way. May even like to try roasting them and see what you think of that one.

As always Tallulah’s magnanimous nature is an inspiration to us all. And if you are now weeping that you did not take the opportunity to ask your own question, fear not.  You can tweet her or comment on her Youtube. Or if you are too star struck you can email us and we will pass it on for you.

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What Will Bee Will Bee

Dear Bee

Please help – I seem to have a crush on Valentina Monetta, the San Marino entry in Eurovision 2012. Her deftness with social media has me in a spin, and her lyrical whimsies tease my yearning heat. I sometimes imagine her hand on my mouse, clicking through social media sites and laughing as she sings her way through the San Marino Eurovision back-catalogue. Perhaps she would even let me use her touchpad, i’ve heard they respond well to sliding gestures. San Marino isn’t a big country, so i’ve got a chance, right?
Anonymouse from Devon.

Dear Any-mouse,

 

While of course I can help you with your primary concern (I am the Nation’s Number One Advice Columnist am I not?) I regret to inform you that, as that nation is indeed America, I cannot speak to the relative size of this “San Marino” you mention, as I have no earthly idea where or what that is. I’m only marginally aware of “Devon”. In fact, this whole “Eurovision” business is completely lost on me. Is it your pitiful attempt to ride on the coattails of our beloved American Idol?

 

In any event-what you appear to have developed is what I like to call an Internet Infatuation, or II for short. While IIs can be very intoxicating and fill you with ideas of all sorts of illicit interludes, they are, I regret to inform you, based on an illusion.

 

The icon you have dreamt up in your mind is an idealized illustration of who this woman really is. It may shock you to learn that many people (and animals) present an image of themselves through social media that is immeasurably different from their true persona. Were you to ever meet, I fear the reality of a flesh and blood woman with faults and flaws would be incapable of impressing you nearly as much. You may even find her, well, icky.

 

That being said, should you persist in this ill-advised pursuit, it has come to my attention that there may be a way for you to meet your idol.  As near as I can tell, the good people at theeuphonicaproductions.com are running a contest to win an exclusive VIP trip FOR TWO to the world famous Oktoberfest 2012 in Munich, Germany (flights and hotel included), where you will be looked after as the esteemed guest of one Miss Valentina, PLUS €1000 in Cash!

All you need to do is create your own original music video to accompany her smash hit, “THE SOCIAL NETWORK SONG – OH OH UH OH OH”. I believe more details can be found here: http://www.smtvsanmarino.sm/, but as the site is not written in American, the only true language, I have no idea what any of it says.

 

So pursue your inamoratas if you must, but remember, keep your head in the clouds, but your feet on the ground.

 

Best,

 

Bee

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What Will Bee Will Bee

Dear Bee,

I have a problem. I think I love one of my cats more than the other. They are both sweet as can be(e), but I just have a sweet spot

Norma

for the fluffy one, whom I will refer to as Detective S. The smooth coat, Detective M, is a love who wants A LOT of attention. All the time. He’s kind of slutty about it. Detective S, on the other hand, plays hard to get. He is lovey, but not a lap cat. Well, unless I’m sitting on the toilet. Then he wants to sit in my lap, which, come to think of it, is kind of gross. But that’s a problem for another time.

I do sit on the toilet lid, occasionally, to get Detective S to sit with me. It is a secret shame.
What can I do about my unequal adoration? I find I give extra attention to Detective M, because of guilt.
Can you help me with this?
Signed,

Bad Cat Momma

 

Dear Bad Cat Momma,

Not to worry, this sort of thing is far more common than you might think.  In fact, while regular readers of Newsnibbles may have guessed that frequent photo model Annie is, in fact, my own personal animal companion, it may shock most of you to learn that I live with a cat as well!  Yes, even though you never see her pictured in these pages, or hear me mention her in the streets, I do have a second, woefully neglected, animal friend, a feline named Norma.

Some thinkers posit that we are drawn to the child (be they of fur or flesh) who reminds us most of ourselves.  While this may be part of your problem, I believe the root of the matter is at the root of the fur so to speak.  My own detective skills lead me to suspect that you have a natural affinity for long coated cats.

That being the case, I suggest you fashion for Detective M some sort of fur toupee.  Once outfitted in such a fashion, he’ll be fluffier, puffier, and harder to resist for a woman with your leanings.  In no time you’ll be inviting him to join Detective S and yourself on the toilet seat of shame.

Good luck!

Bee

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What Will Bee Will Bee

Dear Bee,

My problem is quite personal.  I have recently started writing an advice column and I was wondering if you have any tips on how to encourage people to write in? A lot of my friends said they would but haven’t. I just need something to get the ball rolling. I have so much advice to give and just need the opportunity to share.

Please help.

Polly Pinkleton.

 

Dear Polly,

Well, this IS a first-an advice columnist writing in to an advice columnist! They say doctors make terrible patients (perhaps because they have little patience), so I do hope that advice givers make excellent advice takers.

When I first started scribbling in this very space, lo these many weeks ago, leaving aside my initial optimism regarding the scores of missives that would soon be filling my box, I too suffered from a dearth of querents. In those early days it often seemed I answered more letters to pets than people. I was hard done by, yet reluctant to burden those close to me with my pleas for help, despite how very much having a successful column meant to me. Fortunately, as the weeks wore on into months….

You know what? F*** it! Polly-I have sat here staring at that blinking cursor for twenty minutes trying to finish the sentence. And you know what? There is no GD end to that sentence because no one cares about me and my stupid column and I am destined to spend my days alone and miserable having tea parties with my dog until one day I pass from the earth and she eats my fingers. Run from this cruel fate Polly, run like the wind! Dig ditches, mine for coal, clean sewers, pursue any other career at all, any save that of the unwanted advice columnist. *sobs*

 

Bee

 

Do you have a problem that only Bee can help with? Why not email bee@newsnibbles.co.uk

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What Will Bee Will Bee

Dear Bee,

My problem is lumpy mashed potato.  I have noticed that Newsnibbles
has been running a weekly recipe corner, and was hoping that this may
address my problem, but as yet it has not.  It doesn’t matter how hard
I mash, I just can’t shift those lumps.  My friends all laugh at me
and say I should just buy instant mash, but there has got to be a way
to get creamy smooth mash and I’m hoping you’ll know it.

Please help.

Lumpy Spud.

 

Dear Spud,

     Rest assured Spud-Bee is always here for her loyal fans.  I have several thoughts on your vexing conundrum. The first being that you really need to find a more supportive peer group. Your friends should be grateful and delighted that you are willing to prepare a home cooked meal for them, not taunting your efforts.
     But that is not why you have written in. Well Spud, you are in luck. I have had great success using a tool known as a ricer. Now I hear you saying “But Bee, I’m making potatoes, not rice.” Fret not my lumpy friend-the ricer is so named because it has a flat paddle with tiny holes in it approximately the size of a grain of rice. Employing this gadget, which should be easily obtained at any kitchen supply store, should have your potatoes sliding free and easy in no time.
     I would like to share one last thought with you though. If you are a regular reader of my column, you may have noticed that I often encourage my readers to embrace, nay celebrate, the “lumps and bumps” that they would often prefer to eradicate from their lives. As I frequently say “When life smashes your dreams, turn them into fairy dust.” There is a magical place here in America known as New Orleans, where at this time of year they make a delicacy known as King Cake. One of the features of a King Cake is that during the preparation a small plastic baby is mixed into the batter. The lucky individual who chooses the slice of cake with the baby inside is declared to be King (or Queen) for the day. So, should you wish, you could opt to include such a trinket in with your lumpy mashed potatoes, and your friends will soon be jostling to see who can get the serving with the most lumps.

Best,

Bee

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What Will Bee Will Bee

Dear Bee,

I’ve been getting very dirty of late. I just seem to pick up smut
everywhere. I’ve tried scrubbing and polishing myself, but I just
can’t seem to get clean. Do you have any tips for removing dirty
stains that won’t fade my hue?

Moomin

 

 

Mr. (or Ms, who can tell really?) Moomin,

Let me begin by saying that from the first lines of your communication, I anticipated this question going in a very different direction. I have pledged to my fans that I will advise on any subject of which they have need, but “smut” and “very dirty” are areas I was somewhat trepidatious to dive into. I am therefore most relieved to see your concerns are of a much more mundane origin.

Moomin; there are plenty of advisors to whom you could turn for more, shall we say, practical, answers to your situation. I personally am acquainted with a woman who could tell you in precise detail the exact solution of bleach, vinegar, baking powder, and cat saliva to rid you of any level of smut, simply by knowing it’s original organic derivation.

But one does not turn to Bee for the ordinary. One comes to me for the extraordinary. And that, my good Moomin, is why my counsel to you is thus: “Revel in your filth!” Embrace it, own it, wallow in it if you will! Proudly sport your coat of many colors, and glory in being a multi-hued individual whose every speck of muck and ook tells a story. Many of us today are in too much of a hurry to erase our imperfections-our wrinkles, our spots, our lumps and bumps that tell the story of who we are. We are quickly becoming a society of white-washed replicas of one another utterly lacking in character or indiviuality. Do not be ashamed of the slime that stains your skin Moomin-you let your scuz flag fly!

Bee

 

Do you have a problem that could use Bee’s special attentions? Why not email bee@newsnibbles.co.uk

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What Will Bee Will Bee

Dear Bee,

I am writing because I understand you have a great deal of experience
in affairs of the heart and I’m hoping that you can help me with my
problem.  For some time now I have been conducting a flirtation with a
shark.  I dismissed his disinterest as simply “playing it cool” and
occasionally he would say little things that would leave me with the
hope that we may have a future together.  In recent months however his
attitude towards me has become more hostile and I started to wonder if
I was imagining his previous flirtations in my desperate wish to be
loved.  During this time I have become acquainted with a celebrity
cat.  At first it was just a harmless flirtation, after all, what on
earth would a top celebrity feline see in an obese creature such as I?
But things have developed.  He is very open about his feelings and he
sent me a Valentine’s card.  Now the Shark is acting jealous and I
don’t know where I am.  It’s possible that the whole thing with the
cat is one big joke, and I don’t know what I’m doing.  Do you have any
advice on how to deal with such a complex emotional situation?

Yours

Gram Budge Pry

 

Dear Gram,

     You have come to the right place. Matters of a romantic nature are exceedingly tricky, and best observed through an impartial eye. Things get even more challenging with inter species romance, because each communicates in its own special way, which may not always be clear to an “outsider.” Is this shark quite rich?  I have often found that great wealth can isolate a person (and here I use person as a generic cross-species term) from his peers and make him distrustful of those around him. Perhaps he has become closed off and fears you are only interested in the financial stability he could provide.
    But I think the larger issue, and, indeed, the solution, lies within you Gram. I sense a lack of confidence on your part and, as you put it, “a desperation to be loved.” You will never have a successful intimate relationship with a creature of any species until you overcome these roadblocks. We must love ourselves first before we can expect others to do so. I also find, especially in the early stages of courtship, that overeagerness can be a turn off to prospective mates. In my youth here in America, there was a television commercial I was particularly fond of. It’s message was as follows: “Never pick up the phone on the first ring. never say you’ll be “right over.” And never let them see you sweat.” Now this commercial was for deodorant, so you can see a bit of a bias there, but I think the sentiments have a universal application. Play coy with these fellows. Wait to see if they come to you. Focus on what they have to offer you, rather than fretting about pleasing them. Look in the mirror every morning and say ‘I am an animal of great worth!” (note: not girth, this will not have the desired effect.) See yourself as the spectacular person you are, and the fellows will be falling at your feet. And when the time comes when a lucky cat or shark or hippopotamus wants to take you as his bride, do write back as I feel I could be of special assistance in outfitting you and your quadruped bridal party.

Bee

Do you have a problem that only Bee could help with? Wht not email her, bee@newsnibbles.co.uk

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Don’t Badger Me

For personal reasons Bee has been unable to submit her column this week.  Normal service will resume next week.  In the mean time, so as not to let down our readers in need, Badger has stepped into the breach to address this week’s letter.

Dear Bee,

With winter weather upon us, I find that my normally silky soft skin is a bit, shall we say, worse for wear.  Some days it

This doodle of Badger answering today's query was done by artist and sculptor Kat Monaghan. You can see more by her here: http://www.facebook.com/KatMonaghanStudio

feels like sandpaper!  Do you have any suggestions of things I could do, or products I could use, to keep my skin as glowing as my sunny personality?

Sincerely,

Sandy

 

Dear Sandy,

Thank you for writing in with this interesting problem.  As a badger I don’t really suffer with skin complaints.  There was that time that I suffered from mange, for which I found a course of Frontline particularly effective.  Coincidently this treatment is also tremendously useful for fleas (coincidence because I have an itchy ear, and not of any relevance to your letter as it stands).  However, I would certainly not recommend a flea and tick treatment for a simple problem with dry skin.  Instead I have considered some natural solutions to your problem.  At first I thought, what you need is a coating for your skin to protect it from the elements.  Something thick, like lard would provide a protective coating to prevent the elements from taking their toll and fill your pores with lardy goodness.  Now, I am aware that the prospect of coating your face with the by product of roasting dead bovine, porcine, or ovis may be less than appealing, and, as such I considered a vegetarian alternative.  You could also coat your skin in olive oil.  The oil is thick and would not only provide a protective layer to your skin, but would also leave you with a shiny finish that would be the envy of all your friends.  However, on further contemplation I decided that neither of these products should be applied once the weather warms up as it is possible your skin could fry in the sun, and as such are not an appropriate solution.

I am aware that these ideas may be a bit “out there”.  People often tell me that some of my ideas are a bit too revolutionary for today’s society.  Also, humans aren’t as aware of the elements as we forest creatures, so would not be able to determine when the weather is too warm to apply the aforementioned treatments.  As such, my previous ideas are no good for your particular problem,  and so I thought, “what would Bee say?”

Well, in my extensive research on the topic I managed to dig up a skin treatment that Bee would just be bound to recommend.   Honey B Body Whip could have Bee as its spokesperson.  She is a Bee, and does not have an alternative lifestyle so is unlikely to rile an uncertain number of “moms”.  I am certain that were Bee writing to you this week she would say that this is the product for you.  According to its website you can “whip your skin into shape with this ultra-light body cream. Whisked and whisked until it’s almost impossibly fluffy, Honey B Body Whip is enriched with nourishing Shea and Cocoa Nectar,” and all for the bargain price of $28 a pot.

I hope my thoughts have been of help to you.  Do write back and let me know how you get on, and fear not, Bee will be back next week with her usual handy hints and tips.

Regards,

 

Badger.

 

Do you have a problem that you think Bee could help you deal with?  Why not email her, bee@newsnibbles.co.uk

 

NB, Olive oil or lard should not be used as an alternative to sunscreen.  Badger’s advice is based on absolutely no research or experience whatsoever, and should not be followed without serious consideration.  All beauty treatment undertaken as a result of this column is at the reader’s own risk.

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What Will Bee Will Bee

Dear Bee,

I have a problem that I need advice on.
I am a 93 year old man and have been married for 92 of those years. (We did things differently in the old days). For some

This has no relevance to today's letter, it's just cutes innit.

time now my wife  Gladys has insisted that I dress up as either Theodore Roosevelt or John Quincy Adams before she will sit at the dinner table with me.  As Roosevelt was a much taller man than I, and I am allergic to horsehair, this causes me considerable distress and ruins my enjoyment of my porterhouse steak.  I have tried compromising and dressing as Franklin Delano Roosevelt and James Madison but this only sends her into a rage.  Things are now so bad I am considering going to Burgerbarn.

Yours

 

Arthur Nonymous (Mr)

 

Dear Mr. Nonymous,

 That does indeed sound like a source of much vexation.  Fortunately you have come to the right place.  Your problem hinges upon the fact that you are interpreting your wife’s request to mean dressing as those gentlemen would on a formal occasion.  However, the circumstances for which you are dressing are casual meals in your own home.  As men today can often be found eating on the couch in what passes for their undergarments, it is not too grand a leap to assume that our Founding Fathers did much the same on many evenings.  In researching underwear of the 1700s, I find that John Adams, when in the privacy of his own home, would, like as not, been found in a long shirt with a simple vest over top. Wigs were also an accessory donned more commonly for public gatherings.  In fact, Thomas Jefferson informs us that Mr. Adams was often known to throw his wig on the floor and trample on it in fits of pique.  So good sir, might I suggest that tomorrow night, you storm into the dining room in an oversized t-shirt and vest, throw your wig on the floor, stomp it about a bit and bellow “Where’s my venison trollop?” (Women love an assertive man).  I feel certain your wife will be quite overcome with such a display and her reaction will be unprecedented.

Bee

Do you have a problem that could be helped by Bee’s unique outlook?  Why not email her?  bee@newsnibbles.co.uk

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What Will Bee Will Bee

DEAR BEE,

THE HYOOMAN WHO KLEENS MY HOUSE IS ENGAJED. yay! ANEE ADVICE ON HOW TO KEEP HER FROM DOMINATING SOSHUL CONVERSASHUN REEGARDING HER NUPCHOOULS and FROM TURNING INTO BRYDEZILA?

THX,

PHEBE

A/K/A CYOOTEST KITTEH OF THE WEEK

 

Dear Phebe,

It is very kind of you to write in on behalf of your hyooman.  If you are asking because you yourself have already grown weary of her constant nattering about vests and cakes and processional paths, then you are in luck!  As a cat, nature has blessed you with a built-in air of disdain.  Should the conversation grow to onerous, simply raise your tail in the air, indulge in a moderate upchuck on the carpet, and be on your way. She will quickly get the message. If, on the other paw, it is other hyoomans you fear she may be annoying, this will require a little more finesse, as our social cues are less obvious.  Now here is where an ordinary advice columnist would suggest things such as: wait for others to bring the topic up, or limit yourself to 5 minutes of wedding related discussions in any conversation.  But I, dear Phebe, am not your average advice columnist. I happen to love weddings-full as they are of sparkles, and romance, and dancing, and fun.  So I say-your hyooman should strive to talk MORE about her wedding, not less. Why it’s far more delightful than the drab and dreary matters which dominate social discourse these days.  And, with a little ingenuity, any topic can be repurposed to suit your needs.  For example: “The Giants are playing in the Super Bowl this Sunday? You know I considered having giant centrepieces for my upcoming wedding reception, but thought it a bit declasse so I’m going with tussie mussies instead-won’t that be super?” Or “Romney said that he wasn’t worried about the very poor? I think it would be a very poor showing indeed if I didn’t have lace overlays on the table linens.” And finally “The primary season seems to be dragging on forever, in fact a friend suggested that with the recent trends in colour blocking, I consider primary hues for my bridesmaids, but I felt that would be to jarring for a fall event.” With a little practice she’ll be the most sought after guest in any social situation.

Bee

P.S. Should you be chosen as a member of the wedding party, and require any haberdashery recommendations, please do write in again.

 

If you have a problem that you think only Bee can help with then why not email her? Send your questions to bee@newsnibbles.co.uk

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