Man in a Suitcase?

In international news this week a Mexican woman has been arrested for trying to sneak her partner out of prison in a suitcase.

This is how we imagine the scene looked. If you read the original report you'll see it's scarily accurate! Photo Copyright The Grumpy Badger

Prison officials noticed that the woman looked nervous and her suitcase was considerably bulkier than when she entered.  According to a spokesperson from police in the Caribbean state of Quintana Roo; the inmate was found curled up in the foetal position inside the suitcase after a conjugal visit.

What is not yet clear is whether the foetal position was a result of the conjugal visit or in order to fit into the suitcase.  The answer to this question could tell investigators whether the breakout was premeditated, or whether it was spontaneously decided to pack the man into the oversized empty suitcase, which she just happened to have brought along for the trip.

We sent our man on the ground to his local Chicquito’s which was just within our travel allowance.  He had this to say on the subject:

“It appears to be an Open and shut case, an insider from the prison stated, through pursed lips, that they were happy to have bagged another criminal but couldn’t rule out that someone could be sacked.”

We are very glad he is back from his chicken hunt, although he seems different…

Charges against the woman are currently pending.

You can read the full story here: http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/jul/05/woman-husband-prison-suitcase

We need to print a correction to our last story.  Apparently Den wanted us to play “Knights Suck” not “Clones”.  We don’t know what made us think that a story about shop assistants being made to wear makeup made us think of Clones.  Best to just blame the interns.  You can follow Denis here:   http://www.myspace.com/denfire

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Makeup Faceoff at Harrods

Last week The Guardian reported that a female employee resigned from Harrods over an ongoing disagreement with regard to

their uniform policy.

The “ladies” uniform policy states that women must wear “Full makeup at all time: base, blusher, full eyes (not too heavy), lipstick, lip

This is an example of our makeup policy, beautifully modelled by our man on the ground. The wig is optional.

liner and gloss are worn at all time and maintained discreetly (please take into account the store display lighting which has a ‘washing out’ effect).”

Despite adhering to all other aspects of the policy (black trousers etc) Melanie Stark’s refusal to wear makeup to work caused such conflict with management that eventually she felt forced to resign.

According to The Guardian Ms Stark worked effectively without makeup for four years before management decided to enforce the policy.  On one occasion she was sent home from work and on another she was sent to work in the stockroom.

Being a naturally beautiful human being, as well as based in London we asked Rock Legend – Denis Augusto what he thought of Harrods’ policy on makeup:

“As a curious and – let’s be frank here – brave person, I’d find far more interesting helping the Queen first thing in the morning with her slippers than attending a British Honour Ceremony.  I mean, who wants to go to a shop and be patronised by a standard fancy cow rather than witnessing a good royal servant in her natural state?”

He then mentioned that a song from his new band Pistolettos might serve as an appropriate soundtrack to this story.  It is called “Clone”, and, if we have done it correctly should be playing now.

This is Den without any makeup. Can you tell?

Since we are well into our social media tools (did we mention you can like us on Facebook?) we decided to check out some threads on Twitter.  Whilst some people said that the policy was clearly stated within the contract and staff knew what they were signing up for most users seemed to view the policy as “deeply sexist.”  We tried joining the Tweet, but it just did not work out for us.

Being big into social and gender equality here at Newsnibbles we would never dream of instituting different uniform policies for different sexes.  It is for that reason that we have given Graham a choice:  He can chose to wear full makeup, blusher, lip and eye liner (not too heavy) or come to work with a brown paper bag on his head.  He opted for the first option.  The process has taken him so long to apply that he was unavailable to comment on this story.  He is going to have to get up earlier.

You can read The Guardian’s report here:http://www.guardian.co.uk/law/2011/jul/01/harrods-dress-code-sales-assistant?INTCMP=SRCH

You can “like” us here: http://www.facebook.com/pages/News-Nibbles/120796728006828

The Pistolettos are available for gigs, watch this space for details.

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Graham’s Complex Anagram

This week Graham has come up with a complex anagram to stimulate your brain cells.  Simply rearrange the letters to find the name of a famous character from movies and literature.  As always email your answers to quiz@newsnibbles.co.uk for your chance to have your picture published with next week’s puzzle.  Good luck Nibblers.

 

 

Congratulations to Sal Rowlands from Cheddar who was our winning entry for last week’s odd one out competition.  Her picture is published below.   The answer was, of course the car.

 

 

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Oh Bollards!

Plans for bollards shaped like children to be placed outside of a school in Plymouth have been rejected by parents who described

They seem to be looking right at you...

them as “scary” and “like something out of Doctor Who.”

According to a BBC report Plymouth City Council had planned to implement child shaped bollards to serve as a deterrent against drivers speeding past schools.  Whilst the bollards could serve to slow drivers who may peer in fascination at the metallic children, they may miss an actual child crossing whilst their attention is elsewhere.

Each bollard costs £350, which is undoubtedly cheaper than keeping an actual child as well as being more hard wearing.  Despite these obvious benefits the reaction from parents at the school has caused the council to reconsider their purchase.  The makers, Marshalls Street Furniture told the BBC that they are “proud” of their bollards.  All parents are proud of their children so this is no surprise.

Using our new interactive Facebook page (yes, you can now “like” us) we asked our followers what they thought of bollards shaped like children.  The general consensus was that some unscrupulous individuals may use them as target practice.   As they are metal, and therefore bulletproof the bullets would most likely bounce off, possibly hitting unsuspecting badgers, who have enough to contend with in terms of dodging bullets.

We asked a primary school teacher what she thought of the idea of bollards shaped like children:

“What would concern me is that dogs might think it’s acceptable to urinate on actual children if they’re too realistic.”

Well this debate is far too controversial to be solved any time soon.  We want to hear your thoughts.  Email newsdesk@newsnibbles.co.uk

Read the BBC’s full report here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-devon-13900134

And you can “like” us here:  http://www.facebook.com/newsnibbles go on, you know you do, we’re great.

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Mobile Libraries Under Threat in Herefordshire.

As part of its bid to save £10m from the budget next year, the Conservative council in Herefordshire are considering scrapping its

This is Graham's Interpretation of a Mobile Library. It is of course Copyright to him 2011 (photos@gholden.co.uk)

mobile library scheme.

In plans which seem to be in line with the Conservative vision for a “Big Society” the council has suggested that local people consider opening their own libraries in shops or village halls.  Depending on what books locals own we may see certain villages being very well versed in the cooking styles of Jamie Oliver, whereas in other places the Guinness Book of World records could be the most accessible read.

Conservative Councillor Roger Phillips told the BBC: “We need to have a library service that is both viable and sustainable in the long term.”

There are currently no plans to close permanent libraries.  People with health and mobility issues will be assessed by the council to see if they qualify to have up to twelve books a month delivered.  This service would provide the less able with something that can perhaps best be described as a “Mobile Library Service,” an innovative and new way to provide less mobile people with reading materials.

We asked Graham, our man on the ground what he thought of the council’s plans.

“Who is going to lend us mobile’s now?”  He asked between muffled sobs.  Graham has been under a lot of pressure recently hunting a chicken killer; we may give him some time off.

You can read the full BBC story here:   http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-hereford-worcester-13887704

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Woman Arrested After Spraying Deputies

In international news this week a woman in Ohio was arrested after spraying deputies with breast milk.

This is Graham's interpretation of a skunk - much cuter than what we could have had. Copyright G. Holden (photos@gholden.co.uk)

Police were called to a wedding in central Ohio after the woman allegedly became drunk and disorderly, before hitting her husband and

locking herself in her car.  When deputies tried to talk to the woman she responded by spraying them with breast milk.  Officers were unprepared for this double barrelled biological attack on their persons.  Sheriff Walter L. Davies III told NBC News:

“She pulled out one of her breasts and started literally milking it and spraying breast milk towards the officers…”

This sort of defensive behaviour is very similar to that of the skunk.  According to skunkodorgone.com

“When provoked, cornered or frightened, they will try to defend themselves. Their last line of defence involves spraying a chemical from glands in their hind ends. This chemical, known as N- bulymercaptan, is what gives skunks their distinct scent. Generally, skunks do not spray unless they have cause to do so.”

Local Ohio resident, Pinky Niperton offered us this by way of a comment on the whole situation:

“One would certainly think being sprayed with Breast Milk is far less of an offense than being sprayed with bullets from an AK-47…really the force should appreciate that.”

It certainly is easier to defend against than AK-47, perhaps police could be issued with quick opening umbrellas as standard.  This attack comes mere months after a London ice cream parlour started selling breast milk ice cream to paying clients.  Had the woman decided to squirt in London she may have been met with an entirely different reception.  As it is she is currently facing charges including domestic violence, disorderly conduct, assault and resisting arrest.

You can read the full NBC report and watch a video here:http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/43551703/ns/us_news-weird_news/

You can learn more about skunks here:http://www.skunkodorgone.com/skunkinsight.html

And for information about breast milk ice cream click here:  http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1360225/Shop-sells-breast-milk-ice-cream-London-restaurant-Icecreamists-Baby-Gaga.html

 

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Intrepid Toddler Takes a Trip!

In travel news this week we learnt that a lone toddler decided to take a bus journey from Montgomery to Shrewsbury, crossing the

Photograph copyright Graham Holden 2011 (photos@gholden.co.uk)

Welsh border into England.

The toddler was thought to have boarded the bus at a stop in Montgomery and run straight to the back.  Passengers just presumed that he belonged to somebody who was boarding the bus, according to the BBC report.

Nick Culliford, operation manager at Tanat Valley Motors, which runs the service, told the BBC:

“This little toddler climbed on the bus and ran down the back of the bus.  Of course, people on the bus must have thought it belonged to one of the people getting on the bus.  They got to Shrewsbury and people were getting off, and the driver said: ‘Excuse me, there’s a child here’.  People said ‘not mine’ and then it suddenly dawned on people that the child belonged to nobody.”

Our man on the ground had this to say about the whole terrible incident:

“Also nominated for the worst sentence award:

People said ‘not mine’ and then it suddenly dawned on people that the child belonged to nobody.

And… that being the case… if everyone had left… nobody would have been there and could then have taken the child home…”

Come on Graham, we never start a sentence with “and,” it’s just bad grammar.

We asked one regular bus user what they thought of the incident:

“What amazed me is that the toddler managed to get the entire 28 miles without having to change buses.  In my experience, simply getting from one side of the city to the other requires to changes.  I may move to Wales.”

What must have been annoying was that once the toddler arrived in Shrewsbury the bus driver called the police, which meant he was never able to reach his intended destination.  Two people have been released on police bail following the incident, which took place on Friday.

You can read the full BBC report here:    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-13894172

There is also a picture of a map if you are interested in that sort of thing.

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Graham’s Find the Odd One Out.

This week Graham has surpassed himself with an extremely cunning Odd One Out Puzzle.  As always the winner will get the chance to have their picture published with next week’s puzzle.  Good luck Nibblers.

 

 

That’s right Nibblers, last week’s cunningly concealed celebrity was Our Cheryl.  There were no correct entries, which is good news if she ever wants to be incognito.  Good luck with this week’s puzzle.  As always answers can be submitted to newsnibbler@gmail.com

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Soap Doesn’t Always Get You Clean!

The stereotype of the Australian drinker with his pint of Fosters next to the Barbe has been shattered this week when a patient at

This is Graham's interpretation of Alcohol based Soap. As always copyright remains with him. 2011 (photos@gholden.co.uk)

a Melbourne hospital downed six bottles of alcoholic handwash.

The patient was in hospital recovering from alcoholism, before this obvious relapse.   The incident has been met with calls for the anti-bacterial gel used in Australian hospitals to be better secured.

Speaking to The Guardian Dr Michael Oldmeadow, of the Alfred hospital in Melbourne, said “You’d think it would taste pretty bad.”  That said a lot of cheap alco-pops tastes a lot like soap.

The incident has us wondering though, is liquid soap a niche market that a lot of pubs and wine bars are missing?  Speaking exclusively to Newsnibbles one pub owner from Cartwright, Oklahoma said:

“I would absolutely consider selling hand sanitizer over the bar if there were a demand for it.  Sometimes I wonder if they are drinking the hand sanitizer we provide in the bathrooms as it has alcohol in it.  Currently we don’t charge for sanitizing ones hands, but maybe we should…”

One of our over enthusiastic interns spoke to Jeff about his experiences with addiction.  He had this to say:

“Once I was addicted to Marmite.  When I went to Demark I couldn’t get it so I had to eat raw yeast.  Those were my darkest times.  The end is coming you know.”  We are looking into legal measures for getting Jeff and his sign off our front step.  He is frightening away any genuine stories.

The cost of Hydrex surgical scrub is currently £3.98 per 500ml bottle.  This would certainly be more economical than other shorts, and if sold as shots would turn over a reasonable profit.  It is questionable however as to whether landlords would be able to convince customers to switch from their preferred short.

You can read the full story from The Guardian here: http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/jun/19/australia-hospital-alcohol-based-handwash-drunk?INTCMP=SRCH

And if you’re ever in Oklahoma you can get a drink here: http://www.facebook.com/hambones.hangout

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Even the Church is hit by Inflation

It seems that in North Yorkshire they are being forced to resort to an inflatable touring church to try and encourage a congregation.

This is how we imagine it could end up were a drawing pin involved... Photo Copyright The Grumpy Badger

Apparently the inflatable ministry is ideal for travelling around schools allowing the pupils to “experience prayer.”  It certainly is more

cost effective than transporting one of the more traditional brick churches around the Yorkshire Dales.  That said, even in its deflated form a twenty foot church still has to be more cumbersome than the more traditional soap box.

Amazingly enough this is the first time New Life Baptist Church in Northallerton has used the inflatable to tour.  However, in Germany the Catholic Church has done something very similar.    Now it has been used other religions are bound to follow suit.

The inflatable will be running half hour prayer workshops for pupils from six different schools and according to the BBC the response is said to be “excellent”, though it does not specify who responded.

Our Yorkshire correspondent and favourite singer of the moment Catherine Sykes had this to say:

“If it doubles as a bouncy castle I’m there!  I’ll even shout Halleluiah! if they like.”  It certainly does seem to be a way of encouraging a new following to the church.  Did we mention she has an album out at the moment?  Someone ought to.

You can read the full BBC report here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-york-north-yorkshire-13759740

Here is the link to a story on the German inflatable church: http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article1901156.ece

And here is a plug for Catherine, we don’t do it often: www.catherinesykes.com

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