On the 11thof May 2011 the Daily Mail reported the brutal murder of Claude the Cockerel in the small North Yorkshire Village of Bishop Monkton.
According to the Mail the brutal slaughter was preceded by a number of poison pen letters about the noise of Claude’s dawn chorus, and
a hennapping. Claude was returned as secretly as he was kidnapped but before he had time to recover from the ordeal his neck was snapped. Unfortunately the events occurred so suddenly that the police had no time to interview him.
According to the Mail the brutal nature of the killing can rule out a fox attack as they do not have opposable thumbs. Despite certain parties trying to throw the blame on the dissident badger group BAG, we have an informant who tells us that badgers do not have opposable thumbs either and therefore cannot be to blame. Since the Giant Panda is not native to North Yorkshire and we are certain residents would have reported one roaming the countryside we are forced to the conclusion that this crime is all too human.
We suspect someone with farming experience, as this is the preferred method of slaughter before roasting for a Sunday lunch. Armed with this information and determined to assist the police in their investigations we sent Graham, our man on the ground to North Yorkshire to speak to the local poultry. He had this to report:
“The chicken said “Cluck, cluck, cluck…” followed by “I’ve always been a bit wary of that Bernard Matthews chap…”, and then asked if I wanted to buy some cheep eggs on the quiet…” Apparently the chickens of North Yorkshire are not very reputable.
We asked resident songbird Catherine Sykes what she made of the brutal events in the small North Yorkshire village. She offered us this by way of a comment:
“Look, just because I’m from Yorkshire doesn’t mean I know anything about chickens, OK? First penguins, now chickens! I’m a singer, not an ornithologist. Why can’t you people just leave me alone?” After unclenching her fists and taking a breath she added “Did I mention that I’ve got an album out at the moment? You can get your copy at catherinesykes.com.” Once again we would like to thank Catherine for acknowledging us. Most people just slam the phone down.
She does make an interesting point too: first penguins, now chickens and all in Yorkshire. Is it possible that here at newsnibbles we have uncovered some sort of organised bird tormenting ring in Yorkshire? Since our budget did not stretch to keeping Graham in Yorkshire for more time than the day it took him to find a chicken prepared to squawk we will have to organise a car wash and continue the investigation at a later date.
We are able to reveal at this point however that Bernard Matthews was in fact based in Norfolk, and is, as of 2010 dead. Never mind Graham, keep plugging.
You can read the Mail’s original report here: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1385601/Who-killed-Claude-cockerel-Bishop-Monkton.html
