The weather in NYC is craptastic–thanks for 
asking. If one more of our California friends mentions “sunny and high 70s,” we’re gonna book a flight to LA just to punch them out personally.
It’s literally freezing, and I mean “literally” literally. After a warm, Spring-like Sunday, it got progressively colder and now I’m a bronze popsicle in an intermittent wind tunnel. This is the kind of temperature fluctuation that your mother tells you will make you catch a cold. No, Ma–it’s all the phlegmy schmendricks sneezing in my immediate vicinity that are going to make me catch a cold, after which I will hunt them down and gore them. But I digress.
So when it was rainy all weekend, at least the humidity in the air made the weather borderline bearable. But this week we’ll be back and forth between snow and bone dry. My tail tuft will be all staticky and I’ll be short-tempered. How will that be different from and other day? you ask. Don’t make me gore you.
Of course the worst part of the sucky weather isn’t complaining statues: it’s seeing homeless folks at real risk for hypothermia. Every time somebody walks by me on their way to work, bitching on their phone to someone about the cold, I want to shout, “What the hell are you complaining about? You just came from indoors and you’re headed indoors.” But it’s in my contract that I can’t shout at passers-by. (My agent is a dog. No, literally.)
Anyway, I guess my points are as follows, in no particular order:
1. Winter sucks.
2. Static electricity suck.
3. Being homeless always sucks, but in the winter it’s life-threatening, so buy some hot food for a street person.
FORECAST: Cold and sucky for the foreseeable future. Some snow today: not enough for anybody to get the day off, but enough to irritate the shit out of us and make life miserable. Warming trend anticipated possibly in April. I can’t type anymore– my hooves are freezing. Who will bring me another coffee? Somebody check Travelocity for flights to LA. I hear it’s sunny and 70s there, and there are some people I need to see.
For more insights follow @TheWallStBull on Twitter.
