Hellboy – A Review

If you want to see these first, you should probably follow Badger on Twitter, as that’s where her random grumpy thoughts go first. But they get tidied and edited before going here, so there are rewards for patience!

So… I saw Hellboy. I’m not gunna say it was good. I’m definitely not gunna say that. In fact, I’m gunna go so far as to say it was truly terrible. This is gunna be a thread, and it’s gunna contain spoilers, (I’m not sure it’s possible to spoil it, though)…

See the giant arm weapon thing? How on earth did he even get his coat on over that?

First of all, I probably need to stipulate that this is going to be a somewhat disjointed rant, so don’t expect any coherence. I literally stepped out the cinema going “huh… what the… it… wasn’t good…? No… it was bad… no… it was terrible…”  I mean, I just don’t get it. The cast was really good. It was a really good cast, but the acting, was… well… not really good… the script was… well… not really good… The best way I can describe it is it was like an ’80s action flick… Like, you know in Total Recall, where is eyes pop out, or Robocop with all the shooting? The effects were a bit like that. Lots of obviously not real blood, everywhere and for the sake of it. And lots of swearing. I mean LOTS of swearing. And I’m not averse to swearing, but I absolutely did not see the point of this. Like, it was literally pointless swearing. Just swearing for swearing’s sake. Mostly done by a giant Scouse man-pig. It was a man-pig thing from Liverpool. And to be honest, the man-pig had the best of a bad lot of attempts at British accents.

So, you’re still with me so far. There was a giant man-pig with a foul mouth, fabulous. There was a werecat thing, that was wearing a shirt one minute, then it wasn’t. Like dude, where’d your shirt go? Guy literally has his leg trapped under a massive boulder… Pain’s gunna transform him into a cat, because who doesn’t transform into a cat under great, stress, right? I know I do. And he has the foresight to take his frickin’ shirt off. Not on camera. Just one minute shirt, next minute no shirt. Guy was like a walking romance cover. And he becomes the cat thing, then turns back and pulls on his perfectly undamaged shirt and trousers.

  1. When did he even take his trousers off.
  2. Even if they weren’t damaged in the cat transformation, surely the boulder crushing thing will have ripped the cotton…
  3. There’s just been a massive battle with a foul mouthed Scouse man-pig thing, how’d you find a complete outfit in tact when the building is crumbling around you??

Sticking with wardrobe, for now, Hellboy wore this trench coat thing throughout, with the sleeve rolled up over his massively oversized arm/weapon thingy, implying the sleeve wouldn’t fit over it, so how did he even roll it up? How did he get the coat on at all? Why did he even bother wearing it??

As for the characters, there was nothing endearing about the humans, I would have totally married the evil witch and ruled the demon world with her, she was the only good thing about the film. And the damn thing STRONGLY implied there was gunna be a sequel, which I’ll almost certainly have to go and hate watch now,  just so I can do another ranty thread!

See the original post below. And if you would like Badger to tweet review something, send her a tweet, or pop a comment below!

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