Dear Bee
Please help – I seem to have a crush on Valentina Monetta, the San Marino entry in Eurovision 2012. Her deftness withsocial media has me in a spin, and her lyrical whimsies tease my yearning heat. I sometimes imagine her hand on my mouse, clicking through social media sites and laughing as she sings her way through the San Marino Eurovision back-catalogue. Perhaps she would even let me use her touchpad, i’ve heard they respond well to sliding gestures. San Marino isn’t a big country, so i’ve got a chance, right?
Anonymouse from Devon.
Dear Any-mouse,
While of course I can help you with your primary concern (I am the Nation’s Number One Advice Columnist am I not?) I regret to inform you that, as that nation is indeed America, I cannot speak to the relative size of this “San Marino” you mention, as I have no earthly idea where or what that is. I’m only marginally aware of “Devon”. In fact, this whole “Eurovision” business is completely lost on me. Is it your pitiful attempt to ride on the coattails of our beloved American Idol?
In any event-what you appear to have developed is what I like to call an Internet Infatuation, or II for short. While IIs can be very intoxicating and fill you with ideas of all sorts of illicit interludes, they are, I regret to inform you, based on an illusion.
The icon you have dreamt up in your mind is an idealized illustration of who this woman really is. It may shock you to learn that many people (and animals) present an image of themselves through social media that is immeasurably different from their true persona. Were you to ever meet, I fear the reality of a flesh and blood woman with faults and flaws would be incapable of impressing you nearly as much. You may even find her, well, icky.
That being said, should you persist in this ill-advised pursuit, it has come to my attention that there may be a way for you to meet your idol. As near as I can tell, the good people at theeuphonicaproductions.com are running a contest to win an exclusive VIP trip FOR TWO to the world famous Oktoberfest 2012 in Munich, Germany (flights and hotel included), where you will be looked after as the esteemed guest of one Miss Valentina, PLUS €1000 in Cash!
All you need to do is create your own original music video to accompany her smash hit, “THE SOCIAL NETWORK SONG – OH OH UH OH OH”. I believe more details can be found here: http://www.smtvsanmarino.sm/, but as the site is not written in American, the only true language, I have no idea what any of it says.
So pursue your inamoratas if you must, but remember, keep your head in the clouds, but your feet on the ground.
Best,
Bee
