Welcome to the first instalment of What Will Bee Will Bee – a weekly advice column where Bee addresses your letters and questions with what is, in her opinion the best solution for you*
The first letter is from Raddicted Rover, and reads as follows:
Rear Ree,
Ri ram riting recause ri rave ran rembarrassing robrem. Ri rike ro
reat ranrure. Ri rirst rasted rit rome rears rago, rhen ri ras roing
ru ra rough ratch. Rince rhen ri ran’t resist ra rell. Revery rime
ri ree ror rell ranrure ri rave ro reat rit. Rit’s ruining ri rocial
rife ras ro-one rants ro riss romeone rith ranure reath, Ri rant ro
rop, rut ri rust ran’t.Rease relp,
Regards,
Raddicted Rover.
Dear Rover,
Thank you for writing in to me about this very traumatic issue. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you. Frequently, in certain food addictions, the advice given is to imagine your treat of choice covered in maggots or something equally vile so that you develop an aversion to it. Unfortunately, I’m not sure this will be of any use in your case as manure is already quite wretched looking on its own, and it may well come pre-maggoted. In other instances, such as with smokers, the recommendation is to smoke as many cigarettes as possible over a short period of time until the craving is fully and completely satiated. However, upon discussing this option with other members of your household, the matter was soundly dismissed as the potential for creating manure-based vomit seemed too high. Never fear though – I believe I have stumbled upon the ideal remedy! What you need, Rover, is a really fancy gown. It is my firm belief that were you to dress every day for a month in your finest frock, you would feel far too glamorous to want to besmirch your countenance with the odour of manure. Nor would you want to go trolling about in the muck when festooned accordingly in silk and lace. Please attempt this remedy and write back to let me know how it goes. Failing all else, perhaps a pack of mints?
Bee
Do you have a problem that you think only Bee can help with? If so why not email in to bee@newsnibbles.co.uk.
This is very sound advice. I have never been addicted to manure but if I were.. This is exactly what I would do.